Wednesday, March 30, 2005

blahness times three

Keeping Sharon's kid's tomorrow for her to go to the doctor... and she is keeping Nick and Elizabeth Friday for me to go... I semi-dread this appointment because I know she is going to bitch about my numbers in the mornings but seriously, I have no idea what to do about it. The numbers are good before bedtime and then I go to sleep and lo and behold, they jump up overnight.

It's frustrating and irritating and I try not to think about it because stress causes them to go up too. Imagine that.

Surgery for Grandma is Friday according to the latest report from my mother. I am going to see her (grandma not mom) tonight after Chris gets off work. Taking Elizabeth with me. Probably won't stay long because it's difficult as heck to deal with but still going to go. About to go make lunch. Just wanted to do a quick update. :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

ugh! drama filled days

I meant to write this last night but was exhausted. Couldn't manage to stay awake past 9:30 so I went to bed. Yesterday sucked. Plain and simple it sucked.

Gina called at 8 to tell me not to come over before 9:30 because it would take her that long to get ready. So I fall back asleep. Wake up at 9:15, take a quick shower, grabbed a banana for breakfast (yes yes I know, supposed to eat more than a banana) and went to her house. Got there and she came out the door with Katy and wanted to know if I was ready to go. So we left. Took Katy to daycare so she could participate in the easter party, went and got gas and stopped by the atm. Went up to the hospital. She tells me when we get there: "I don't want to stay long." It was 11 in the morning. I say ok and we go in. Stopped by the gift shop, bought flowers for my grandma and went up to her room.

Sonya, my parents and Uncle Mack and Penny were all there with her. Seems that the surgeon told him she would be having surgery on Monday. Some kind of test in the morning, the surgery Monday afternoon. Didn't happen. They got told a bunch of different stuff by a bunch of different people so by the time her actual doctor got in there, they were all pissed off. Dr. Maria is really nice woman but she knows nothing about hospital politics apparently and is being kept out of the loop as far as the surgeon and the drug doctor guy is concerned. I'm too lazy to look up the spelling of his actual title. :$

While we were there, they come in three different times to tell them that they were transferring grandma to another hospital. First it was Duke, then Western Wake and then Good Hope (which happens to be down the street from Betsy Johnson)... they also inform my parents and my uncle that they need to find her an orthopedic surgeon. :-o So Penny starts calling around and can't find a single soul who is willing to go in behind this first surgeon and several places tell her the doctor should be calling, not the family. :-/

Through all of this, we are informed of this: My grandmother, who could see last Friday, is now sightless. And they (the dumbass doctors) have no idea what has caused it. And her chest is starting to swell and they aren't sure what is causing that either. And the surgeon is a jackass. No one from the hospital told us that, we guessed that ourselves. *sigh*

All the while, this frail woman who had 6 children and a number of grandchildren that I don't feel like counting right now, plus a number of great grandchildren, this woman who has never ever complained where another living soul could hear her, is laying on the bed screaming in pain and begging for someone to help her. :'( I cried. And then I cried some more. And then I just got pissed off. The hospital and the doctors are all trying to protect themselves. No one wants to operate on her because there is a very real possibility that she will die during surgery and no one wants to be liable. If I was my parents and my uncle, I'd have gone back up to the hospital today with a lawyer. I'm almost willing to bet they'd have had her in the operating room in a matter of minutes. Bastards. Forgive me but that's exactly what they are. They (the doctors) are supposed to be in the business of helping people but when they screw up they don't want to admit it for fear that someone is going to sue them. And they have screwed up. Massively screwed up. I have come to the conclusion that doctors are all about the money and everything else be damned.

On top of all that... time flies when you aren't having fun and before I know it, it's 1:30 in the afternoon. My children are with Shawn (Gina's husband) and I was sure they were driving him insane. Add to this, Marie is diabetic and must eat on some sort of schedule or there is trouble. So I pick up my purse and Gina says: "Oh I guess you are ready to go." And so I tell her, you know Shawn has to work tonight and I don't want my children to drive him crazy. She proceeds to continue to sit there. (Did I mention she had drove?) Ok so, after about 15 more minutes, she gets up in a huff and says "I guess we have to go"... like she's not the one who didn't want to go in the first place. Shawn and I convinced her to go. And like she's not the one who had said "I don't want to stay very long." So I get pissed off (yet again) and tell her she can stay. I'll go and she says "How are you going to go? I drove." Parental people can see an argument about to start and try to intervene. When I tell her, I have two feet, my uncle tries to make a joke about me having nice feet. 8- Anyways, I finally just get angry enough and I tell her, you can stay up here but I have to go eat and I kiss my daddy and leave the room. She comes running after me trying to apologize. "I didn't know you had to eat, I'm sorry" but I wasn't really listening. We get to the car and she wants to know where I want to go eat and I tell her to forget it. So she knew I was pissed and finally I told her "you know damn well you wanted to leave too and I really couldn't take another minute of that room. It's claustrophobic and I want to hit someone." And she admits that she didn't want to stay but she also didn't want to leave because she didn't want our parents to say anything later. *sigh* Amazing how they still have a hold on us and we are all grown with children of our own.

We go eat and then she asks me to go to Michael's with her and to Crafts Frames n Things where she looks for latch hook precut yarn and ends up buying another latchhook kit... and we pick up Katy and go back to her house. I pick up my children. We come home. My morning out ended up being an entire day out because we didn't get here until almost 5. :-/

I make dinner. Tell Chris about my day to which he replies "if you ever in a situation like that again, just call me and I'll come pick you up no matter where I happen to be working at." Did I mention that I really love this man? I really really do. Gina calls three times after I get home, the last time to tell me about how she has discovered ebay and is so very very happy about it. Chris said "you know she's calling because she thinks you are still pissed with her"... and then mama calls to tell me that the surgery is supposed to be Wednesday at Betsy Johnson Hospital. Could these people please get their acts together?

It was a horribly stressful day and I ended it by going to

Got up this morning. Made the kids breakfast, did some housework, talked to Travis on instant messenger for awhile. Took a short nap. Made dinner. Waiting for Chris to get home. He's working at the race track tonight trying to get some lights put up. Race season starts at the speedway on the 25th and we have season passes. *joy* I really am happy about that. Ed gave them to him because he's put so much time into the track and doing stuff for them.

Ok, now I am going to go. I wrote so much I think my fingers are going to fall off. ;)

Saturday, March 5, 2005

this is how it goes

I got up this morning, made the kids some breakfast, woke Chris up, made myself some breakfast and was prepared for a day of temper tantrums and hollering from my littlest one when Chris comes into the kitchen and tells her to go potty so she can go bye bye. :-o Marie was shocked. She didn't have to ask him to take them with him. She didn't expect him to take them with him. He had some work to do this morning and then he was going to feed the dogs and put some corn out for the deer and turkeys. I fully expected that he was going to go by himself. But he surprised me. Which is a good thing.

So I have this whole morning, quietly stretched before me and I have a ton of things I could be doing, ie, laundry, dishes, mopping floors, etc. etc. but instead I am drinking a very peaceful cup of coffee and enjoying the quiet. The only thing I hear at the moment is the hum of the computer and the coffee pot sighing. That's what it sounds like. Yes, I will eventually do something more productive with my day. But right now, I am just enjoying the solitude. ;D

Last night, we had dinner. We went to Tony's. Stayed for like an hour. By the time we left, I was so tired but we still had to go to Wal-Mart because Elizabeth was almost out of pullups and I didn't want her to run completely out. We shopped for awhile and then came home. Fell into bed exhausted and slept until about 8:30 this morning.

I spent so much time yesterday crying that I thought I was turning into a water fountain. 8- Got worse after Chris came home. He keeps telling me not to stress but I can't help it. It's stressful. He said stressing was his job. I don't want him to stress. I just don't know what to do and it's frustrating. :-/

I think I will go outside for awhile. It's cold this morning but the sun is shining for now. Supposed to rain later today. I hope it holds off for awhile though. I want to get some stuff done outside before the weather gets bad.

Friday, March 4, 2005

a seriously stressful morning

I am here but not. I am probably going to write this entry and then go take a nap. I'll read updates from my faves list in a little while. Right now I don't have the energy for much.

I had my doctor's appt. this morning. She put me on an ace inhibitor for my blood pressure. It was still high today (156/105) so she gave me a prescription for that. They took more blood. For tests. A fasting sugar test and then another test to determine how high my sugar has averaged over the past 3 months. I don't know how a little bit of blood tells them that but apparently it does. She said when the labs come back Monday or Tuesday, she will call me and she will call me in a prescription. Probably for glucophage. :-/ I have to go back Thursday evening for them to teach me how to test my own sugar levels. She was going to make the appt for Friday but the kids are out of school so I asked her for one sometime on Thursday. They are open late on Thursdays so my appt is at 5:30. Works out well because Chris can stay here with the kids. She also made me an appt with a cardiologist. Because my heartbeat is still really fast and she doesn't know why. So she wants a consult with a cardio doctor. The appt. is April 15th and they told me that I have to pay $1000 before they will even see me. There is no way I can come up with that kind of money in a little over a month. It's just not possible. And it pisses me off that they can't figure out why my heart is beating so damn fast yet the cardiologist won't do anything for me until after we pay him $1000. And that's just a down payment type thing. There will still be a bill afterwards. So I want to scream. Because I am scared and worried and it seems like the doctors don't care about anything but the money. *sigh*

I'm off to take my nap.

Thursday, March 3, 2005

missing spoons

I have one child who is playing outside. And every now and then the other child will venture out the door and he will yell at her to "go put your shoes on." Apparently, my daughter dislikes shoes a great deal and will shuck them off her feet whenever she feels like it. Seeing as it's only 40 degrees outside, no shoes is not a good thing but she's stubborn (reminds me of her daddy) :P, and she won't put them back on. It's actually funny to listen to though.

She had applesauce for a snack and when I asked her what she did with the spoon, she opened her mouth, pointed into it, and said: "I ate it." :-o So I asked her again what she did with the spoon and she keeps telling me she ate it. I know she didn't eat the spoon but it is

Fascination with stick margarine is the order of the day. Elizabeth, for some reason, thinks it's candy and she keeps taking it out and trying to eat it. How do you explain to a 2 year old that it's not candy but something to be used in cooking? She hasn't grasped the concept yet. :-/

The teachers sent home a 20 page test practice booklet for math benchmark testing. The test is next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The booklet was hard. Yes, I helped him with it. It was easier to sit down and watch him do it, answering questions along the way, than it would have been to let him do it and then check it and have to argue with him over the answers. Because you have to prove to him that something is one way or another if your answer is different than his. He likes to think he is right all the time. *sigh*

And they sent home a poetry project that is due next Thursday. They've already done most of it; now they have to make it "pretty" and put it in book form. He's got some really good poems in there too. Especially the one about Mattie. ;D or should that be :-/?

I'm off to finish the kitchen. I think that's what I'm going to do. Finish the kitchen and try to finish my book. Or something like that.

this is getting ridiculous

I don't know how much more of this I can deal with. Freaking mood swings from hell. I'm happy happy happy and then I just snap. Yesterday it was bad and it only got worse. And today it's just horrible.

Elizabeth tried to drive me up a wall yesterday and when Nick got home he was just so.... ugh!... that I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried. I asked him to please help his sister with her shoes so we could leave while I called Chris to tell him where I was going and when I'd be back, and while I'm on the phone with him I hear Nick yell at his sister. "We can't leave until you put your goddamn shoes on." :-o I was so shocked I couldn't even speak. And when I did recover my voice, I sent him to his room because I was angry and I didn't want to say anything I'd later wish I hadn't. Elizabeth follows him into his room and he smacks her. She's screaming at the top of her lungs and holding her arm. And his justification for hitting his sister: She told him to be quiet. :-/ That's at the point that I went in the bathroom and just cried because I have no idea what to do with him. He thinks he's grown and he's pushing limits, I guess to see what he can get away with? I'm not really sure but he's got to start acting like he's got a brain.

So we finally get ready and leave and they are just awful the entire time we are out. When we get home, Chris was here and that poor man (I love him so much!) spoke to me and I just started crying. So he convinced me to go out with him last night to Elizabethtown and Dublin to fix that one wire in the house. We stopped and got something to eat, went to the house in Dublin and fixed the wire (which took forever) and then we went and fed the dogs and we came home. At which point, he was totally frustrated with our children himself and he made them go to bed. (It wasn't just me they wouldn't listen to yesterday.)

This morning, I woke up to the phone ringing. It was my sister and we talked for a little bit. Chris had already left for work and he had got Nick ready for school. Left me a note telling me that he didn't want to wake me up because Elizabeth and I were sleeping so peacefully. She gets up in the morning and comes to lay down with me. She slept until about 9 so I got a chance to talk to Gina and get some stuff done in the house.

She got up and she's been an absolute terror ever since. Tearing into stuff and running around acting like she doesn't have any sense. I know it's a phase she's going through and I sincerely hope it hurries up and goes away because this is getting ridiculous.

I have to go see if I can find the paper that came with the remote. It's lost the code and doesn't work and I can't remember how to program it. 8-

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

flipping out

I have no idea what is wrong with me today. I have snapped a couple of times already over stuff that's really not worth flipping out over.

I think maybe I need to get out of the house. At least for a little while.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

it gives me something to think about

The sound of a screaming crying tantrum throwing 2 year old is enough to make one want to pull at her hair. I've resisted the urge however, because I'm afraid I'll pull it out and then it will never grow back. Simply because that's how my luck Elizabeth is in dire need of a nap. Or a spanking. :-/ She is pitching a fit because she is not allowed to go outside and play. The reason she is not allowed to go outside and play is because it is 34 degrees outside. And the wind is blowing. Last time I saw the weather it was like a 20 mph wind. Which means it's really freaking cold. But oh no! You can not explain that to a child who has no concept of a)weather and b)the world past her own nose. She wants to go outside and she wants to go outside now! Foot stomping didn't work. So she laid down on the floor and proceeded to cry and hit the floor. When she realized that I was ignoring her little tantrum, she decided it wasn't worth it and so she stopped. *must make mental note of this... ignoring seems to work*

Nick said his writing prompt was an imaginative one and he thinks he did pretty good on it. I have no idea when they will get their scores back but I imagine it will be awhile. All of the 4th and 7th grades took the test and it has to be read and graded by two different people. He did his homework without me fussing, which is a mini-miracle. And now he's curled up on the couch reading a book.

I have been very productive today. Yay! ;D Still have a few things I need to do but the day isn't over yet. So I've still got some time.

I think I will go hunt down some tylenol. My head is pounding like there is a tiny man with a hammer inside of it. :'(

the wind is blowing

Watching/listening to the Today show. Elizabeth is sleeping. I am not surprised. I woke up at midnight and she was in our room, sleeping, standing up with her head laying on my back. :-o I moved her onto the bed and she kicked me so I came out to the living room and ended up not going back to sleep until about 5. Had a conversation with Christian. At around 2, Elizabeth gets back up and comes into the living room and proceeds to fall asleep on my shoulder while I'm on the phone... which was cuddly. I talked to Christian until about 4:30. It was a good conversation until the very end when I started crying and hung up on him. :-/ We were discussing something and it made me cry and he was all like "Please don't cry. I don't think I can stand it." so I hung up on him. And when I came online this morning he had left me an instant message that said: I didn't mean for you to hang up. I just didn't want you to cry. I hate it when you cry. It makes me feel helpless." For some reason that made me laugh because helpless is the last word I would use to describe Christian.

I just walked into Nick's room and wanted to scream. We spent hours... HOURS in there on Sunday cleaning it and you would think that he would have attempted to keep it clean but no.... 8- It looks like it would qualify for FEMA assistance right now.

He has his writing test today. I got up early (after very little sleep) and made everybody breakfast. And coffee... I haven't had coffee in 2 weeks. That was so very difficult too I'll have you know. But I finally got my coffee fix (bought a sugar substitute and learned that one of them little packets is more than enough for coffee... lol)

I have a whole list of things I would like to accomplish today. If I'm lucky I'll get some of it done. If I'm really lucky, I'll get all of it done. That would be nice.

I guess I'd have better luck getting it done, if I'd leave the computer. :$

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...