Sunday, May 1, 2005

anger issues

I haven't been writing. What a way to state the There's been so much going on, and so much going on in my head that I haven't had the time nor the desire to sit down and write. I've kept busy cleaning instead; I now have what is probably the cleanest house in North Carolina. At least one of the Chris told me he was worried that I was going to start disinfecting him when he comes home from work. :-/ Methinks it may be time to put down the cleaning supplies and do something else.

The one advantage to cleaning is that everything is all nice and neat and pretty and in its place... even it doesn't stay that way long. The disadvantage is that unless I blare the stereo at decibels loud enough to wake the dead, I can still "hear" myself thinking. Thinking over the past few days has not been a good thing. And I mean that really has not been a good thing.

I'm sure Chris would like the normal Marie to return because at least then he gets normal conversation. I don't think he quite knows what to do with me when I'm all giggly one minute and crying my eyes out the next. He asked me today: What do you want me to do? We were having a conversation about his lack of listening when I have something important (at least to me) to say and how he can ignore me when I ask him to do something around the house but he jumps to help everyone else... and I guess I got loud as I tend to do because I discovered that the whole "speaking softly" thing doesn't work well in my house and he wanted to know what I wanted him to do and what I wanted him to say... At which point I completely lost it and told him to not say a word because he can't keep promises for more than five minutes and frankly I was sick of hearing the same things over and over again... and that furthermore I was tired of repeating myself every day about every little thing and should probably just invest in a tape recorder so I could save my voice for more important things other than stuff like: "Please clean your room, get down from (fill in the blank), where are you going and what time do you think you'll be back...etc nauseum"

And it's not so much that I want him to say or do anything much differently... I just want him to put himself in my shoes for a minute and realize that if he spent ALL of his time with children, if I spent all of my time doing "other stuff" and none at home and he didn't have five minutes where he could go to the bathroom in private, he'd be a little irritated too. I want him to keep promises that he makes particularly when it has to do with stuff like being home for dinner or keeping the kids for a little while so I can run errands by myself and not have to worry about keeping them out of stuff in the store while I'm trying to do things like grocery shopping. Fix things when I ask (or soon thereafter) and not months later after I've already screwed it up more by attempting to fix it myself rather than ask him again (usually for the ninety ninth time).... and for the love all things holy, my life would be much less complicated if he could just practice the word "NO" with other people. Like today, he goes to Etown to put the service on Shane's house... I didn't have a problem with that. He said he'd be home in a couple of hours and that was fine too... When he showed up SEVEN hours later he couldn't understand why I was irritated. And after he explained why he was so late, he couldn't understand why I was even more irritated. Shane asked him to do a couple of other things and then Mr. Billy had him & Shane help him fix a piece of farm equipment and then he followed Shane to take the truck to the shop and brought Shane back...) Maybe if my day hadn't of turned into the day from hell, I would have cared less. But at 12:00 when I talked to him, I told him it was the day from hell and that I wanted to spend the afternoon fishing and he said that he'd be home shortly... so yeah, when he shows up at 7 I was pissed. Even more so when I realized that he could have told them he had other stuff to do but just didn't and then even more pissed than that when he hadn't stopped to get the one thing I had asked him to get from the store so I could finish making dinner. And yes, I'm sure I overreacted... almost positive... but I hold stuff in and let it build and build and build and then I just snap. Today was that day... it goes along with my past couple of weeks... one thing after another and I just have had enough.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...