Wednesday, July 6, 2005

questions answered by 2nd graders

Second-graders answer questions about the women in their lives.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.

thoughts for people who take life too seriously...

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

rejection notices

Print this form, check the appropriate items, and send it to the manof your choice.

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from furthercontention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competitionwas exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such asyourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening becomeavailable. So that you may find better success in your future romanticendeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you weredisqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I canpicture myself saying after I say "I love you."

3. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

4. ___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

5. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

6. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition fromtrying to kiss you.

7. ___You have a hairy back.

8. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarilyunappealing.

9. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

10. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often inconversation.

11. ___You still live with your parents.

12. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek uniforms a little disconcerting.

13. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me tosuspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

14. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in a long term partner.

15. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

16. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _________________________________


For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm! and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

10. Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.

11. John Deere and Abitibi-Price: New company will be called Deere ABi.

12. Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home.

13. Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

so sue me...

...ummmm you probably won't get

I haven't been updating. Oh wow, what was my first clue?

Yeah, so things have been super hectic and I've had a lot going on. I'll get back to it.


GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...