Wednesday, July 6, 2005

rejection notices

Print this form, check the appropriate items, and send it to the manof your choice.

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from furthercontention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competitionwas exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such asyourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening becomeavailable. So that you may find better success in your future romanticendeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you weredisqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I canpicture myself saying after I say "I love you."

3. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

4. ___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

5. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

6. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition fromtrying to kiss you.

7. ___You have a hairy back.

8. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarilyunappealing.

9. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

10. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often inconversation.

11. ___You still live with your parents.

12. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek uniforms a little disconcerting.

13. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me tosuspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

14. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in a long term partner.

15. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

16. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _________________________________

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

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