Sunday, November 29, 2009

my motto

I temporarily forgot my motto: I cant change how you act; I can only change how I react. Im sorry if there are some of you who dont think Im being a good friend. Im doing the best I can & if its not good enough, then so be it. It is what it is. Im going to find my happy & anyone who cant understand that & accept it... that is not my fault nor is it my problem. I am done accepting blame for things I didnt do or have a part in. This is my life & I am responsible for my own happiness & well-being. I have things to fix about myself & a lot to learn but I will no longer stand by & take all of the blame when things go wrong. I deserve to be happy, to have my own life with whomever I choose. It doesnt have to fit with anyone elses plan or idea. This is MY life, MY destiny & I choose to own it.

-sigh-

I am always fucking up. Every time I turn around, I have managed to do something to hurt somebody & half the time, Im clueless as to what that something is. Im just going to shut down & hide. If I say nothing, I cant hurt anyone else. I am so truly very sorry.

Friday, November 27, 2009

31 minutes

There happens to be 31 minutes until I can clock out and go to the house. The only good thing about getting off work tonight is that Elizabeth is home and she will, more than likely, be awake.

It's been a long few days.

Everyone is irrtiated over how I handled Thanksgiving. Kari had a stroke on Tuesday. I'm still in shock over that. It seems like she's too young.

The doctor didn't give me good news on Wednesday. I haven't really discussed it in complete detail with anyone because I'm still attempting to process it myself. It's not going so well.

I haven't been writing here although I have managed to fill up a quarter of a one subject notebook with scribblings. I doubt they'd make much sense to anyone other than me.

I'm tired. I'm really really tired. And it has very little to do with this job.

I'm tired of expectations and my failure to meet them. I'm tired of always being stressed. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm just tired. We'll leave it at that.

We sold out tonight. I sold the last few rooms after Mark left. Tomorrow is Saturday and then I have a day off which is good because I really need one.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Quote

"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one." - Von Munch Bellinghausen

Saturday, November 14, 2009

it's a new chapter

...I've been drifting for the past several years.

Existing but not living.
Afraid to take that next step.

I've listened to countless pieces of advice about what I should do, how I should feel, what I should think, how I should act.

I've always said I'd do it my way and you don't have to like it but it's not your life so fuck off.

That's pretty much how I always worded it too.

I realized tonight that while my issues haven't completely disappeared, some of them have been minimized to the point that if you didn't know they had been issues, you wouldn't recognize there was a problem.

I have actually eaten 3 real meals today and 2 snacks. (It will be 3 as soon as I get off work...lol. I'm standing at this front desk about to starve!)

I'm moderately happy. I have a feeling at the end of this next week, I will be deliriously happy.

I'm slowly getting it together and I'm finding my groove, in a way.

I'm really happy about that.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

there isn't much i won't discuss

s someone failing to meet your expectations? You may need new expectations.

That was the beginning of my horoscope today. How truly appropriate.

I've been up waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy to long already today. I envision a nap in my future somewhere between 12 and 2, before I have to get ready to go to work. I went to bed at 2. Woke up at 4. Spent an hour and twenty minutes crying in my bathroom. Made coffee. Watched the news. Got online and did some stuff. Read all of the blogs that I generally try to keep up with. Looked at yesterday's mail. Organized my bills. Did a slight bit of stressing over said bills until I realized that I'm actually okay in that department and even if I wasn't, stressing won't do any good.

Analyzed things that happened last night. Replayed my conversation with Sebastian. Texted my sister. Talked to Russell. Watched it rain. Read the forecast for today. (rainy and getting progressively colder.) Cleared out my email. Cleaned off my computer, my desk. Made more coffee.

Watched iCarly with Elizabeth. It's a Halloween show and it's actually pretty funny.

Thought about what to take for dinner tonight at work. Reset my clocks. Who knew I had so many clocks? Talked to Russell again. Made more coffee.

I haven't managed to eat today or take my meds. I'm getting around to that.

There are a million and one things running through my brain. Mostly things that I can't do anything about today.

Happy Samhain

It's my new year. I guess I get lucky in that I get to celebrate New Year's twice every year.

Tonight was pretty good. I worked until 11, got off work, managed to change my clothes and participate in the rit. I almost didn't go. I was tired, I was a bit irritated with things and I *almost* decided not to bother but I figured it would get me kicked out of a friendship or three so I didn't bail out.

I've done a lot of bailing out on things with people over the last year. Not really intentionally but it probably has seemed that way. -le sigh-

My intentions for the next year:

-live
-laugh
-love

Obviously there are a lot of things I intend to do but those three sum it up nicely.

I'm going to bed now.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

What keeps me awake

Stress. Lack of appreciation. The lack of common courtesy. Pain. Nightmares woke me up. I changed the bed. I lit a candle. I went to the kitchen & got a drink. I took a set of pictures. I didnt cry. I thought about how, earlier in the week, I sent a friend something based on my belief that it was needed & I could do for me on Thursday. And then I found out we werent getting paid until Friday afternoon. And to make it even more hurtful, said friend acted like an ass all day. And affixed a label to me after telling me that he didnt want anyone labeling me. I hurt. Both physically & emotionally. The person who hurt me most doesnt even recognize how his actions are damaging. And gets pissy & pins it on me when I try to tell him how he is making me feel. I handle things badly a lot but I am not the only one. I own my screwups & apologize. Apologies dont make you weak. Refusing to recognize the need to apologize on occasion is damaging. I am tired of having daggers thrown in my direction.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

a random assortment of things

letting go
is
much harder
than
I
could have
ever imagined!


there's a million
and one
things
running through my head.
that one thing
is
really important.


i had an epiphany
tonight.
about my life
and the
people that reside
in it.

for the most part,
i have been happy
today.

i have my moments.
who doesn't?

i saw a shooting star tonight
while i was on the phone with russell.
&
when i said "ooooohhhh" he immediately
knew what i had seen.
I like that he seems to know
what i'm thinking and feeling
sometimes before
I even know myself.

the end.
(for now)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

there's a hint of mystery

***originally written on April 29th but just as applicable today as it was then***

You are waiting to see me fail. You aren't wanting a tiny failure, a tiny blip on the screen; instead, you are hoping for something akin to nuclear fallout. With bated breath, you wait to see if today is the day... is this meltdown THE meltdown... will she finally lose it altogether?

You sit and you watch and you wait. Patience is thy middle name because this has been a long time coming. The ice queen gets her comeuppance. On the outside, you feign empathy, concern, the model of care and compassion; but on the inside, the tiny devil is cackling gleefully and rubbing his miniature hands together with unsuppressed joy.

Let me be the one who rains on your parade, bursts you well-constructed bubble: It's not going to happen. My downfall won't be your way up. My demise won't be the catalyst for the change you seek in the order of things. I've been lower than this on more than one occasion. Like the phoenix who rises from ash, I am a lot sturdier than you think. I can handle a lot more than you anticipate.

You can continue to wait and watch but at the end of the day, I won't fall or fail because I know you are hoping it will happen. And I'm just a big enough bitch to keep it all afloat so that you won't have the satisfaction of being able to gloat.

Monday, October 12, 2009

i miss writing here

I've had a really weird morning.

There's miscommunication.

There's a headache brewing and 8 hours of work ahead of me.

There's missing Elizabeth. I won't get to see her again until in the morning. I'm going to try to find a few minutes to call her before she goes to bed tonight.

I'm supposed to be taking a shower and getting out the door.

Right now, I'm just... in a mood.

Monday, September 7, 2009

"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain

Thursday, September 3, 2009

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

"You are remembered for the rules you break." - Douglas MacArthur

Monday, August 31, 2009

"There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem." - Booker T. Washington

Sunday, August 30, 2009

"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." - Evelyn Waugh

Friday, August 28, 2009

"There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all." - Peter Drucker

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"Get down on your knees and thank God you are on your feet." - Irish saying

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"To safeguard one's health at the cost of too strict a diet is a tiresome illness indeed." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Monday, August 24, 2009

"Perfection has one grave defect: it is apt to be dull." - W. Somerset Maugham

Friday, August 21, 2009

"I never worry about diets.The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond." - Mae West

Thursday, August 20, 2009

"A compliment is a gift, not to be thrown away carelessly, unless you want to hurt the giver." - Eleanor Hamilton

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

"Sports is the toy department of human life." - Howard Cosell

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand." - Jacques Benigne Bossuel
"The basis of a democratic state is liberty." - Aristotle
"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much." - Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
"There isn't a person anywhere that isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can." - Henry Ford
"Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can." - Elsa Maxwell
"We hand folks over to God's mercy, and show none ourselves." - George Eliot
"The longer we live, the more we find we are like other persons." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting." - Ambrose Bierce
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain.
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." - Mahatma Gandhi

Sunday, August 16, 2009

He was in my dreams tonight. Not for the first time; most definitely not the last.

Tonight, he showed me portions of my life. Things I remembered and some things that I knew but had pushed back. "This is your reality." He showed me portions of my future.

I woke up tasting tears, biting back a scream and drenched.

I'm so tired.

Monday, August 10, 2009

weird dreams/nightmares

Vampires, dead people in cars that have been traded in for the Cash for Clunkers program, a pregnant woman who was trying to give away all these things she had knitted while waiting to have the baby, a ghost, a long car ride with said ghost and test strips.

I probably shouldn't eat before I fall back to sleep in the middle of the night and I think I need to start watching something other than FOX News and the Discovery Channel. -sigh-

Thursday, August 6, 2009

"I hope our wisdom will grow with our power and teach us that the less we use our power, the greater it will be." - Thomas Jefferson

Thursday, July 30, 2009

3 am

Waking up in a panic, having sweated out, I immediately reached for my phone only to remember that I didn't have anyone I could call who would answer.

The dreams are getting worse. 

Monday, July 27, 2009

"Of course I'm ambitious. What's wrong with that? Otherwise you sleep all day." - Ringo Starr

Sunday, July 26, 2009

"When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind." - Seneca

soaked

I wake up with a start. A clamped hand over open mouth to keep the scream from coming out. It's only a dream.

Whispers in the dark. The sound of the voices of your imagination.

A product of stress? Craziness? Have I really lost it?

Maybe I should start watching comedy shows before bed.

A hot shower awaits. I had to strip the bed and myself because I was soaked to the skin. I think maybe I should have this conversation with the doctor. I'm doubting this can be completely normal. But when have I ever been?

The best part of my night: Dreaming about Sarah Jayne and Bree. I wish I could have held on to that dream.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

"It is better to live rich than to die rich." - Samuel Johnson

Thursday, July 9, 2009

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H. L. Mencken

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"We hand folks over to God's mercy, and show none ourselves." - George Eliot

Monday, July 6, 2009

"A good cook is like a sorceress who dispenses happiness." - Elsa Schiapirelli

Sunday, July 5, 2009

"Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Saturday, July 4, 2009

"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth." - Abraham Lincoln

Friday, July 3, 2009

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."- Elbert Hubbard

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"How different the new order would be if we could consult the veteran instead of the politician." - Henry Miller

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." - Winston Churchill

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"Life is ours to be spent, not to be saved." - D.H. Lawrence

Monday, June 29, 2009

"Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts." - E.B. White

Sunday, June 28, 2009

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

Saturday, June 27, 2009

"Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire." - William Butler Yeats

Friday, June 26, 2009

"Nothing will content him who is not content with little." - Greek proverb

Thursday, June 25, 2009

"Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality." - Ralph Marston

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring." - George Santayana

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

Monday, June 22, 2009

"One kind word can warm three winter months." - Japanese proverb

Sunday, June 21, 2009

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." - Kahil Gibran
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." - Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

fear

Fear leaves a metallic taste in my mouth; blood does too but this is fear. Complete and total shock-the-senses fear. A sound, a rustle, a hint of someone in the room. But there's no one there. I'm alone with the reality that it was all just a dream; a bad dream but a dream nonetheless.

********

My shirt is soaked, clinging to my skin. The bed is in a disarray from tossing and turning; attempts to outrun the demons are futile. One day I'll learn to just let them have their way and pick up the pieces afterward. Eyes adjusting to the dark of the room, I twist to see the clock on the side of the bed. The numbers are red and accusing. 2:47. There's no more sleeping for me. It's one of those thing you just know.

********

Steam rising from the shower. "Don't remember" you tell yourself repeatedly but it's pointless. You've had the dream so many times before that it's permanently etched into your brain. The visions won't leave your head no matter what you do. Why do you even still try?

********

Sheer exhaustion. It takes over at some point in the morning but you keep moving. The hope is that if you stay awake long enough, you'll be able to sleep dreamless through the night. Why fool yourself? It hasn't worked yet.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

i am so tired

I am so tired of the drama.

I am so tired of the lies.

I am so tired of the stress.

I am so tired of crying.

I am so tired of censoring my words because I speak and inadvertently offend someone.

I am so tired of being misunderstood.

I am so tired of not being able to be me.

I am so tired of being blamed for everything.

I am so tired of being sick.

I am so tired of being used.

I am so tired of all this.

I am irritated with myself for letting people, things, situations affect me so much. I am angry that no one truly listens even though there is no shortage of people offering to listen. It's an empty offer because no one actually hears. Platitudes are not something I appreciate and patronizing "it will be ok" makes me want to step outside and scream. I am sick of having my "tone" analyzed and measured. When measured, I always fall short. This is a given and I'm tired of hearing it.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to measure up. I don't. This is no secret. I don't even know what I'm being measured against; I only know that I consistently fall short.

If I'm impatient and irritated, it's going to come out. It doesn't mean I'm directing it at the person with whom I happen to be speaking. I just don't have the filter necessary to be pissed off with/about something and still be bright and cheerful with something else. I was absent the day they handed that particular trait down.

I can't fake a happiness I no longer feel. It's not in me to do that anymore. I've done it for too long and it's just not me. The fake is killing me, slowly. I refuse to allow myself to continue. I'm sorry this pisses everyone off. I'm sorry that my tone is not pleasing to people's ears. I'm sorry that I can't be every.single.thing that has become to be expected of me.

I guess this is the point where you really find out who is/was true and who could care less.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

random-ness

There are moments in my day when I look around and wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't chosen this path.

The path that led to children, back-talking teenagers, attitude from both the 14 and 6 year old, endless amounts of homework, constant laundry, load after load of dishes, vacuuming, the endless smell of bleach when I get stressed and feel the need to clean something with a toothbrush, the trips to the park, McDonald's, endless chatter about everything, about nothing, "mama, can i please have a balloon?", the constant "what's for supper?", "can i have a snack?", "you are so meeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn!" [drawn out only the way a 6 year old child can draw out every individual letter into its own syllable]

The path that led to warm snuggles, sweet, sticky kisses, "mama, i love you" [on occasion, even said by the 14 year old], the giggles, the excuse to teach someone small about life and love and sharing, spanish and math, proper grammar, the need for teeth to be brushed, good-night stories, shared stuffies and the unending love that comes with it all.

I look around and see all that I have failed to do, all that needs to be tackled, the never-ending work that needs to be put in. I see the bad but oh, how I see the good too. And it all balances out in the end, doesn't it?

What would I be without them? I'm sure I'd be something.... I'm sure my life would have been totally different and I'm sure that I would have been marginally happy but it wouldn't have been like this.

At one time, I couldn't manage doing this at all. Now, I can't imagine not doing it.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...