Tuesday, April 28, 2009

i am so tired

I am so tired of the drama.

I am so tired of the lies.

I am so tired of the stress.

I am so tired of crying.

I am so tired of censoring my words because I speak and inadvertently offend someone.

I am so tired of being misunderstood.

I am so tired of not being able to be me.

I am so tired of being blamed for everything.

I am so tired of being sick.

I am so tired of being used.

I am so tired of all this.

I am irritated with myself for letting people, things, situations affect me so much. I am angry that no one truly listens even though there is no shortage of people offering to listen. It's an empty offer because no one actually hears. Platitudes are not something I appreciate and patronizing "it will be ok" makes me want to step outside and scream. I am sick of having my "tone" analyzed and measured. When measured, I always fall short. This is a given and I'm tired of hearing it.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to measure up. I don't. This is no secret. I don't even know what I'm being measured against; I only know that I consistently fall short.

If I'm impatient and irritated, it's going to come out. It doesn't mean I'm directing it at the person with whom I happen to be speaking. I just don't have the filter necessary to be pissed off with/about something and still be bright and cheerful with something else. I was absent the day they handed that particular trait down.

I can't fake a happiness I no longer feel. It's not in me to do that anymore. I've done it for too long and it's just not me. The fake is killing me, slowly. I refuse to allow myself to continue. I'm sorry this pisses everyone off. I'm sorry that my tone is not pleasing to people's ears. I'm sorry that I can't be every.single.thing that has become to be expected of me.

I guess this is the point where you really find out who is/was true and who could care less.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

random-ness

There are moments in my day when I look around and wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't chosen this path.

The path that led to children, back-talking teenagers, attitude from both the 14 and 6 year old, endless amounts of homework, constant laundry, load after load of dishes, vacuuming, the endless smell of bleach when I get stressed and feel the need to clean something with a toothbrush, the trips to the park, McDonald's, endless chatter about everything, about nothing, "mama, can i please have a balloon?", the constant "what's for supper?", "can i have a snack?", "you are so meeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn!" [drawn out only the way a 6 year old child can draw out every individual letter into its own syllable]

The path that led to warm snuggles, sweet, sticky kisses, "mama, i love you" [on occasion, even said by the 14 year old], the giggles, the excuse to teach someone small about life and love and sharing, spanish and math, proper grammar, the need for teeth to be brushed, good-night stories, shared stuffies and the unending love that comes with it all.

I look around and see all that I have failed to do, all that needs to be tackled, the never-ending work that needs to be put in. I see the bad but oh, how I see the good too. And it all balances out in the end, doesn't it?

What would I be without them? I'm sure I'd be something.... I'm sure my life would have been totally different and I'm sure that I would have been marginally happy but it wouldn't have been like this.

At one time, I couldn't manage doing this at all. Now, I can't imagine not doing it.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...