Thursday, October 22, 2009

What keeps me awake

Stress. Lack of appreciation. The lack of common courtesy. Pain. Nightmares woke me up. I changed the bed. I lit a candle. I went to the kitchen & got a drink. I took a set of pictures. I didnt cry. I thought about how, earlier in the week, I sent a friend something based on my belief that it was needed & I could do for me on Thursday. And then I found out we werent getting paid until Friday afternoon. And to make it even more hurtful, said friend acted like an ass all day. And affixed a label to me after telling me that he didnt want anyone labeling me. I hurt. Both physically & emotionally. The person who hurt me most doesnt even recognize how his actions are damaging. And gets pissy & pins it on me when I try to tell him how he is making me feel. I handle things badly a lot but I am not the only one. I own my screwups & apologize. Apologies dont make you weak. Refusing to recognize the need to apologize on occasion is damaging. I am tired of having daggers thrown in my direction.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

a random assortment of things

letting go
is
much harder
than
I
could have
ever imagined!


there's a million
and one
things
running through my head.
that one thing
is
really important.


i had an epiphany
tonight.
about my life
and the
people that reside
in it.

for the most part,
i have been happy
today.

i have my moments.
who doesn't?

i saw a shooting star tonight
while i was on the phone with russell.
&
when i said "ooooohhhh" he immediately
knew what i had seen.
I like that he seems to know
what i'm thinking and feeling
sometimes before
I even know myself.

the end.
(for now)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

there's a hint of mystery

***originally written on April 29th but just as applicable today as it was then***

You are waiting to see me fail. You aren't wanting a tiny failure, a tiny blip on the screen; instead, you are hoping for something akin to nuclear fallout. With bated breath, you wait to see if today is the day... is this meltdown THE meltdown... will she finally lose it altogether?

You sit and you watch and you wait. Patience is thy middle name because this has been a long time coming. The ice queen gets her comeuppance. On the outside, you feign empathy, concern, the model of care and compassion; but on the inside, the tiny devil is cackling gleefully and rubbing his miniature hands together with unsuppressed joy.

Let me be the one who rains on your parade, bursts you well-constructed bubble: It's not going to happen. My downfall won't be your way up. My demise won't be the catalyst for the change you seek in the order of things. I've been lower than this on more than one occasion. Like the phoenix who rises from ash, I am a lot sturdier than you think. I can handle a lot more than you anticipate.

You can continue to wait and watch but at the end of the day, I won't fall or fail because I know you are hoping it will happen. And I'm just a big enough bitch to keep it all afloat so that you won't have the satisfaction of being able to gloat.

Monday, October 12, 2009

i miss writing here

I've had a really weird morning.

There's miscommunication.

There's a headache brewing and 8 hours of work ahead of me.

There's missing Elizabeth. I won't get to see her again until in the morning. I'm going to try to find a few minutes to call her before she goes to bed tonight.

I'm supposed to be taking a shower and getting out the door.

Right now, I'm just... in a mood.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...