Sunday, November 29, 2009

my motto

I temporarily forgot my motto: I cant change how you act; I can only change how I react. Im sorry if there are some of you who dont think Im being a good friend. Im doing the best I can & if its not good enough, then so be it. It is what it is. Im going to find my happy & anyone who cant understand that & accept it... that is not my fault nor is it my problem. I am done accepting blame for things I didnt do or have a part in. This is my life & I am responsible for my own happiness & well-being. I have things to fix about myself & a lot to learn but I will no longer stand by & take all of the blame when things go wrong. I deserve to be happy, to have my own life with whomever I choose. It doesnt have to fit with anyone elses plan or idea. This is MY life, MY destiny & I choose to own it.


I am always fucking up. Every time I turn around, I have managed to do something to hurt somebody & half the time, Im clueless as to what that something is. Im just going to shut down & hide. If I say nothing, I cant hurt anyone else. I am so truly very sorry.

Friday, November 27, 2009

31 minutes

There happens to be 31 minutes until I can clock out and go to the house. The only good thing about getting off work tonight is that Elizabeth is home and she will, more than likely, be awake.

It's been a long few days.

Everyone is irrtiated over how I handled Thanksgiving. Kari had a stroke on Tuesday. I'm still in shock over that. It seems like she's too young.

The doctor didn't give me good news on Wednesday. I haven't really discussed it in complete detail with anyone because I'm still attempting to process it myself. It's not going so well.

I haven't been writing here although I have managed to fill up a quarter of a one subject notebook with scribblings. I doubt they'd make much sense to anyone other than me.

I'm tired. I'm really really tired. And it has very little to do with this job.

I'm tired of expectations and my failure to meet them. I'm tired of always being stressed. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm just tired. We'll leave it at that.

We sold out tonight. I sold the last few rooms after Mark left. Tomorrow is Saturday and then I have a day off which is good because I really need one.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one." - Von Munch Bellinghausen

Saturday, November 14, 2009

it's a new chapter

...I've been drifting for the past several years.

Existing but not living.
Afraid to take that next step.

I've listened to countless pieces of advice about what I should do, how I should feel, what I should think, how I should act.

I've always said I'd do it my way and you don't have to like it but it's not your life so fuck off.

That's pretty much how I always worded it too.

I realized tonight that while my issues haven't completely disappeared, some of them have been minimized to the point that if you didn't know they had been issues, you wouldn't recognize there was a problem.

I have actually eaten 3 real meals today and 2 snacks. (It will be 3 as soon as I get off I'm standing at this front desk about to starve!)

I'm moderately happy. I have a feeling at the end of this next week, I will be deliriously happy.

I'm slowly getting it together and I'm finding my groove, in a way.

I'm really happy about that.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

there isn't much i won't discuss

s someone failing to meet your expectations? You may need new expectations.

That was the beginning of my horoscope today. How truly appropriate.

I've been up waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy to long already today. I envision a nap in my future somewhere between 12 and 2, before I have to get ready to go to work. I went to bed at 2. Woke up at 4. Spent an hour and twenty minutes crying in my bathroom. Made coffee. Watched the news. Got online and did some stuff. Read all of the blogs that I generally try to keep up with. Looked at yesterday's mail. Organized my bills. Did a slight bit of stressing over said bills until I realized that I'm actually okay in that department and even if I wasn't, stressing won't do any good.

Analyzed things that happened last night. Replayed my conversation with Sebastian. Texted my sister. Talked to Russell. Watched it rain. Read the forecast for today. (rainy and getting progressively colder.) Cleared out my email. Cleaned off my computer, my desk. Made more coffee.

Watched iCarly with Elizabeth. It's a Halloween show and it's actually pretty funny.

Thought about what to take for dinner tonight at work. Reset my clocks. Who knew I had so many clocks? Talked to Russell again. Made more coffee.

I haven't managed to eat today or take my meds. I'm getting around to that.

There are a million and one things running through my brain. Mostly things that I can't do anything about today.

Happy Samhain

It's my new year. I guess I get lucky in that I get to celebrate New Year's twice every year.

Tonight was pretty good. I worked until 11, got off work, managed to change my clothes and participate in the rit. I almost didn't go. I was tired, I was a bit irritated with things and I *almost* decided not to bother but I figured it would get me kicked out of a friendship or three so I didn't bail out.

I've done a lot of bailing out on things with people over the last year. Not really intentionally but it probably has seemed that way. -le sigh-

My intentions for the next year:


Obviously there are a lot of things I intend to do but those three sum it up nicely.

I'm going to bed now.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...