Friday, December 31, 2010

it's the very last day of 2010

I haven't been blogging enough this year to do a recap post. What's to recap? I worked. I slept. I spent more time being depressed than I care to remember or discuss. I was angry a lot. There were points where I didn't like me much and points where I didn't like anyone around me much and points well..... let's just say that I may have legitimately earned the nickname "Cranky MacCrankerson" from my better half.

I have made a short list of resolutions for the upcoming year. That is a post in draft that will probably post sometime tomorrow.

I am at work tonight. Another hour and a half before I get to go home. I am ready for it. I work tomorrow too and then I'm off Sunday and Monday. I will be glad for those two days off because I am exhausted and it has been incredibly busy here all week and I just need a break. Even if it is just for a couple of days. I am a bit upset that my request for this past Wednesday and Thursday off was not even acknowledged. I can understand it not being able to be fulfilled for one reason or another but to not even acknowledge it really is in poor taste.

I put in my request for my vacation. I'm going to resubmit it again tonight with my drop because that hasn't been acknowledged either. It's still sitting in her box. I know she hasn't been feeling well but this is bordering on just.... perhaps, I should not rant.

My legs hurt. I've been on my feet constantly for the past 6 days.

I think I'm going to change the channel on the breakfast room tv and watch some of the festivities from Times Square. One day I'd like to go there and see the ball drop in person. Or to Sydney and see the fireworks over the opera house.


Out with the old... 

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

After staying up until 2 (because certain people didn't want to go to sleep) and then getting back up at 7 (ignoring the whispers since about 6), making a full breakfast and cooking my annual Christmas lasagna... I am now at work. It's only a 4 hour shift so you aren't hearing a single complaint from me. Plus, it's supposed to snow tonight and I'm off work tomorrow so I'm super excited.

Santa was good to the children (and the adults!) at my house this year. I hope your day has been merry and bright.

Friday, December 24, 2010

the last few days...

I have (barely) managed to finish my Christmas shopping, keep all of my appointments, and work everyday. I did find the time to go get my nails done today since that was Chris's present to me. I enjoyed taking an hour and a half out of the busy day and just enjoy something that was strictly about me.

I did not manage to get my Christmas cards sent out or get my baking done.

I'm at work tonight until 11 and then I work a 4 hour shift tomorrow (7pm to 11pm). I intend to get the presents finished up tonight, watch the kids open them tomorrow while sipping some coffee and then I'm going to cook so that we can eat a wonderful meal before I go to work. I'm off on Sunday so I will clean up the house then and get myself semi-organized for the upcoming new year.

I hope to regularly blog during 2011 as there are several upcoming life-changing events that will be taking place (particularly during the early part of the year.)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

this has the potential to be bad

I have been giving lots of thought recently to a variety of things in my life and I'm not really sure where my thoughts are leading me except to more questions. These are questions for which I do not have answers. 

I miss the days when I blogged so openly and freely. I wish I could return to those days. I see what everyone else does with their space and I'm like "I used to be like that." I seem to have lost the ability for words to flow properly and coherently.

I don't really know what to do about it either.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

miscellaneous things

I am still sick. I don't know why everyone else got it for like 2 days and I can't seem to get rid of it but it sucks on a whole variety of levels. I feel like my head may explode.

I got home last night to discover that my family had cleaned up the house while I was at work and set up the Christmas tree. It needs to be decorated which I haven't managed to do yet since I can barely keep myself awake but the tree is up.

The DNA model was made. It's pretty cool I think.

I didn't have to work tonight. I ended up sleeping most of the day and now I'm awake but barely. My head hurts so much I don't want to keep my eyes open for long.

I have a ton of things I need to get done. But I think I'm going to go to bed and try again tomorrow instead.

Monday, November 29, 2010

still sick

I am still sick.

I am at work.

It is slow tonight.

I have tomorrow and Sunday off.

There is really nothing much else to say.

Whatever it is that I have is trying to beat me down and it sucks.


Sunday, November 28, 2010

There are....

...27 days until Christmas and I have not done a bit of shopping.

I wanted to decorate over my two days off. I had to get the house cleaned up first and I did that between bouts of sleeping excessively thanks to this cold that I have. So the house is almost in tip-top shape but I didn't get the first Christmas decoration hung. I am only a little upset about this. I figure I will do it bit by bit over the next week when I have the opportunity or on my next two days off (whenever those might be since we don't have a schedule yet.)

I have supper for tonight. Leftovers. I am happy about this because the food was really good the first time I had it... and it beats having to figure out what to have delivered. It's entirely too pricey to have food delivered when I'm at work. I have really come to enjoy this whole bringing dinner from home thing that I have going on. 

I took some cold medicine. Now if it would just kick in, I would be extremely grateful.

It is a very slow night here tonight. There are only 10 guaranteed arrivals. Boo.

I think I'm going to go read some of my book because the internet seems to be increasingly dull at the moment.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

birthdays and colds oh my...

Today is Gina's birthday. I sent her a text to say happy birthday and she texted me later to tell me she was really not feeling well. I offered to go pick up Beth who was staying the night with her. (Total of 2 nights.)  I have slept all day. Thank goodness for not having to work.

Nick and I went to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner. And index cards. And soap pads. That's a really random shopping list now that I think about it.

-sigh- I got cold medicine too and I am hoping that it will kick in soon because I am completely and totally miserable.

Friday, November 26, 2010

why I don't shop on Black Friday

Simple answer: I am not insane. I have not ever understood how anyone could want to get out in the madness that is Black Friday shopping. It boggles my mind. Every year since Gina had children, I have watched her kids for her on Black Friday. She works at Wal-Mart. Barring a slight case of... oh... DEATH, she HAS to be at work on Friday morning. Last year, I didn't keep them because Shawn did and because I had to work that afternoon. This year, I am off so they came over last night and were here when I got home from work.

Chris has gone hunting and I have gone crazy. Ha ha. Not really. I don't feel the best in the world. Elizabeth is going home with Gina and her girls so I am about to go lay down and take a short nap.

That cold that everyone has been getting? Ha. I got it. Yay.
(Please note the sarcasm in the yay.)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

there can't be a dinner....

....without a massive amount of family drama.

Today, it was Janet who left the house and finished her plate on the patio. We had been outside so we asked her what was wrong and all she would say was something about Tricia running her mouth and how she was tired of it. When we went back inside, everyone else was still talking and Chris and I both got the gist of what the conversation had been to set Janet off and I have to admit, I was a bit off put by it too but I didn't say anything. I left shortly afterward to come to work so thankfully, I didn't have to hear a lot but I can understand why Janet was angry. The conversation was centered around who was getting what when Dad passes and to me, that's just a bit tact-less.

The food was good. (As usual) This is the first year in almost 15 that I have not cooked. I am a bit sad about that but I don't seem to have the time to cook supper anymore let alone an entire feast. Aunt Emma called while we were at Dad's house. (Which prompted me to remember that I want to get my Christmas cards filled out and addressed tomorrow while I'm off work.) (I only intend to do this so they will actually get mailed out this year unlike last year when I forgot to mail them until the 23rd of December. Oops.)

Football is on in the breakfast room. I had the tv off but a guest came in and turned it on and then left. I'm thinking about turning it back off. As much as I don't like the quiet, it's preferable to the noise from the television.

I have this sneaking suspicion that tonight is going to be as slow as last night. I have more reservations coming in but 6 of them are in the same name. It was excruciatingly slow last night. I may go crazy if tonight is as quiet.

When I get home tonight, there will be no quiet. My nieces will be at the house with E while Mr. Attitude is spending another night with his cousin. He better enjoy the sleepover because he won't be going anywhere else all weekend. He has notecards to finish and a project to do. If E gets her report done tomorrow then she's going to go home with Gina tomorrow night. That will be nice. To have a night off and some quiet. I may get my decorating all finished after all.

Overall, it's been an okay day so far. I'm a bit tired but I've been up since 6 and since we went to Dad's today, I didn't get my nap before work. Oh my goodness. I just realized how old that makes me sound. :-/

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

my head is hurting

I'm not feeling well tonight. I am glad that it is slow at the hotel because I don't know that I would be able to stand it otherwise. I have to get through tonight and work tomorrow and then I'm off for a couple of days. I am happy about that.

I did lots of laundry before work today. Went and paid Mr. Carter. Had an interesting conversation with him. Stopped and got a sandwich and came to work. 

Tomorrow's plan includes dinner at Dad's and then work for me.

I have a headache tonight. I really just want to curl up and go to sleep but I can't do that for at least another 4 hours. -sigh-

I'm not even sure why I bothered writing today.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


At least I honestly titled my post so you can skip it if you don't want to read a bunch of griping.

I noticed today that no one has been doing much of anything around the house. I know why I haven't been doing much (autoimmune disease that has me excruciatingly tired ALL of the time plus working 5-6 days a week at the hotel.) I can guess that Chris is tired after a long day at work and then coming home and having to pick up E and then make supper and all of that. But what I don't get is why no one is picking up behind themselves (mostly the kids.) There is an entire laundry basket full of their clothes on the floor of their bathroom. That is highly annoying to me. He's almost 16; she's 8. Between the two, you would think they could manage to put their things away and put their laundry where it belongs. The living room is full of her school stuff and library books despite the fact that library books (both school and public) have a specific place where they go so they can be kept up with. Likewise his school stuff that he has scattered over the bar even though I purposely de-cluttered said bar and pleaded for it to be a clutter free zone. Yeah. That happened for all of a minute. Same things for shoes.

They each have specific tasks they are to do every evening but I can't tell where they have done anything at all. And it is pissing me off. Perhaps, I should cut them some slack because I really haven't been doing all that much either in the cleaning department. The difference is that I'm more neat and I don't leave things scattered about. I put back what I get out. I put up the things I use. I throw away the trash I create. I don't expect that someone is going to come behind me or that there is a housekeeping fairy who is going to make things magically clean.

Part of this is my fault. I accept this fact. I did ALL of it for so long that everyone expected me to do it. They didn't have to do chores because I was there day in and day out to keep things neat and tidy and I picked up behind them without saying anything about it. When I started working, I laid down some ground rules and I just expected they would realize how difficult the life changes were for me as well as them and they would pitch in and do a little more without complaining so much. Maybe, I expected too much. All I know is that something has to give and this weekend while I am off, we are going to get the house in shape and then we are going to have a long conversation about maintaining it. ALL of us. Not just Mama.

Monday, November 22, 2010

why did i ever think...

...this would be a good idea?

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I really want to go outside in the parking lot and have a good cry but I will resist the urge because it would probably get me in trouble. 


I have spent an inordinate amount of time tonight on the phone with a woman who can't find her way to the hotel. I am at my wit's end because I'm not a GPS system yet people seem to think they can tell me "I see a big tree" and I should know where they are automatically. I'm sorry it doesn't work that way.

It has been super slamming busy in here tonight which is a surprise because I had 40 something rooms to sell tonight. I'm down to 9. I have been running like crazy.

The new schedule was posted. I am off Friday and Saturday. Work an 8 hour shift on Thanksgiving. I'm a bit annoyed about that because we had all thought we were going to work a 4 hour shift. Oh well. I have plans to watch my sisters kids on Friday and decorate my house for Christmas. I am really looking forward to decorating. Chris had to make me wait until then. I was ready to do it a week


I have cried more than I am comfortable with today. I couldn't begin to say why other than I am just a bit on edge and I think my hormones are wildly fluctuating. I have an appointment in 2 weeks to get them tested again so we'll see about that too.

I am going to go do my stuff that needs to be done for the end of my shift even though it's not nearly the end of my shift. Perhaps I am trying to speed the night along?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

watching the AMAs

I'm at work and I have the breakfast room television tuned to the American Music Awards. I'm only half paying attention to it but there are a couple of different artist who caught my eye.  (Why does Taylor Swift have to be so pretty?) And if you are prone to seizures, perhaps you should avoid watching the Black Eyed Peas.

It has been slow this evening. I have had very few people come in and so I have spent a lot of time dancing behind the front desk and making a fool of myself. This isn't difficult to achieve for me.

I am evaluating and re-evaluating my life at the moment and what I am coming up with doesn't make me feel the greatest in the world. -sigh-

I think I'm going to go watch more music videos and avoid thinking so much. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

a few quick things...

First, today is the 20th. I have posted an entire 20 days so far and I am really ridiculously excited about this fact even though some of the stuff I have posted has been pure drivel. It's been so long since I consistently posted anywhere that I am giving myself a pat on the back.

It is my aunt and uncle's (opposite sides of the family) birthdays. My aunt would have been.... 65 and I can't tell you hold old my uncle is today other than to say he's younger than 56 because that's how old my mama is and he's the baby in her family.

I am at work. Big surprise there. I feel like I'm always at work. I slept until it was time to get ready today which is unusual for me. I woke up at 6 this morning and had coffee with Chris while they got dressed to go hunting and then I fell back asleep and didn't get up until 12:45 when my phone rang. I am surprised it took it that long to ring but it was a blessing in disguise because I got some good sleep.

It has been super boring so far tonight. There are half the rooms in the hotel to sell and very few of my guaranteed arrivals have arrived as of yet and I am ready to fall asleep up here at this front desk. That would probably be a really bad idea so I've been running around in the lobby checking the coffee and other general nonsense in an effort to STAY AWAKE!

I really need for some people to come in and keep me occupied.

Friday, November 19, 2010

i hate my phone

This is freaking ridiculous. I am attempting to post from my phone. It is driving me insane. I think I am going to give up and go eat popcorn instead.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


.... can I have possibly slept as much as I have in the past several days and still be tired?

I ended up getting Chris to pick up pizza because I just didn't feel like cooking. And honestly, I'm ready for bed again.

I don't know what my problem is and I don't want to analyze it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

another day

I slept for most of the day before I had to get ready for work. I was just bone tired. It seems like for every good day there is a day that is its complete opposite. I'm at work now and surprisingly, it's going to be an easy night. The rooms were all sold when I got here so all I have to do is check people in and answer the phones and turn walk-ins away.

I'm off tomorrow. I ended up with three off days this week even though Monday was technically my second day off for last week. (Weeks run Tuesday to Monday.) We should get paid tomorrow but I have no intentions of coming to get my check until I come to work on Friday. If I can get away with it, I'm not going anywhere tomorrow.

My head hurts. This is a sure sign that I probably need to go eat.

I also need to type up a resume. The only problem is that I have really forgotten how to do a good one. I guess during slow points tonight I will have something to do. Find a decent template and figure it out.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I need clever titles

Today is my mama's birthday. I was going to sing but kept getting her voicemail and when she called me back, I was in Wal-Mart so I decided to forgo singing to her.

I had to make an unexpected trip to Wal-Mart. Did a lot of work at the house. Helped E with her homework. We had a good time doing that.  Cooked. Watched a movie with Chris. We watched "Equilibrium" and it was pretty good. That's the second movie here lately that I have actually watched all of it and not gotten up and gone to do something else instead. 

I am not feeling the best. Getting ready to take a pain pill and go to sleep.

Monday, November 15, 2010

who knew?

I've been off work today and I did absolutely nothing except cook supper.

Well... I take that back. I slept. And slept some more. And then cooked. And remembered to eat. Tonight, Beth and I went on Study Island and got her through all but one of her lessons on the website. I am ve-ry impressed with this because they aren't due until December 18th but we flew through them. She was doing a really good job and I sat with her so if she had any problems I was right there to help her. We have one more to do before next month. I'm off again tomorrow so we may go ahead and get it done and out of the way. She has a social studies project to do too that is due when they go back from Thanksgiving break.

Right now, the guys are watching football. She has gone to bed. I am supposed to be cleaning off this computer but I haven't made it that far yet. I got involved in writing and making sure her lunch was paid for and checking Chris's email. He never checks it so I have it linked to mine and I check it on occasion. He had an invitation to join Facebook and when I told him that, you should have heard him laugh. "Yeah right" he said. Interest in social media is nonexistent on his end.

He should have his truck back in a few days. His dad helped him pay half so it would get fixed and then we are going to make payments on the other half. I am extremely grateful for the help because I had no idea how we were going to pay for it.

I think I'm going to go find something to watch on tv in the bedroom since they are watching the Redskins get butchered by the Eagles (and it's only the first quarter.)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Something very important I learned...

...that I knew already but today, it was reminded to me in a really big way. This place... my job... is just that. A job. These people.... my coworkers... are just that. Coworkers, not my BFF, not even people you can legitimately put into the "friend" category. They are the other people who work here attempting to accomplish the same goal: Sell rooms, keep guests happy and collect a paycheck. This is a job. Nothing more or less. And the people: as two-faced as they can get. I've known this the entire time I have worked here but lately, it had been better so I had let my guard down and in the past few days, that letting down of my guard came back to bite me.

Lesson stored away in my mind. I won't make that same mistake again.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

easy night my behind

It was *supposed* to be an easy night since we had all these groups coming in and the place was full. Ha! Ha! Ha! One of the groups no showed and so there were 26 rooms available. I get a pat on the back for selling There. I feel a little better.

Chris didn't go hunting today. Instead, he worked on the yard. The front looked awesome when we left for him to carry me to work. (This one vehicle is not cool... but next week, I'll drive myself since he will be at work whenever I have to leave for work. I figured for the weekend it would be easier on him if he had access to something to drive that wasn't a mobile billboard [his work van] so he's been carting me back and forth.) I don't know what they were planning to do for the evening. He mentioned working some more in the yard but then he also mentioned going to the woods for awhile with the kids so I have no idea which they did.

I had a dream last night that had me laughing when I woke up. And I mean seriously laughing but I can't for the life of me remember what the dream was about. 

It has been a really long day. I'm glad that it's almost over. Another 45 minutes here and then I can go home until tomorrow at 3. I'm off on Monday so that's a really good thing. I'm in desperate need of a day off where I can maybe finish a book and get some house work done.

I think I'm going to pass the rest of my night by reading some. I don't really want to do much of anything else.

Friday, November 12, 2010


They are talking on the news about how they are reasonably certain they have found the remains of a young girl who has been missing for more than a month in NC and it has made me teary. I had been holding out hope that she would be ok and they would find her alive and well but that's not what happened and while it pisses me off; it also makes me incredibly sad.

Work has been painfully boring tonight. It has the potential to be that way tomorrow night as well.

I am tired and wishing it was 11 so I could go home. I have to wait to be picked up tonight because there is the whole "truck not working" issue. That is always lovely.

I think I am going to go close my shift and run around the place for a few minutes in an effort to wake myself up.

I don't like nights like this.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

There are times...

...when I wonder what the point is of almost everything I do?

I blew up at Chris today over his truck (which is currently broke and in the shop again and will cost approximately $800 to fix.) I feel like we have poured entirely too much money into a truck that is 16 years old. Granted, it has given few problems over the years but when it does break... well.... it breaks spectacularly and the transmission is something I never want to think about again (replaced 3 times in 3 years.) While I know he is fond of said truck and it does make more sense to fix it rather than take on a car payment we can ill afford at the present time, it's also annoying as hell to have to fix something on it every 3 months or so. After we replace this set of parts, about the only thing that can break that hasn't been tackled yet is the motor and I probably shouldn't even type that because it will be luck that I just jinxed us.

But... the point of the preceding paragraph was really that I blew up about the price of said fix and I took it out on him and that wasn't fair of me to do. I should have taken several deep breaths and told him I would talk to him later and calmed down and thought and THEN had a rational discussion but I didn't. He called me at work and it just set me off so I handled it badly. -sigh-

Sometimes, I fail at relationships.

It's almost time to be off work. Yay! Yay! and yay! I am happy about that because I am exhausted and I really want to go home, wash my face and go to bed. He is off work tomorrow and we have a few things planned that we need to get done. I am hoping that we have a productive day before I have to go to work.

I'm away from here to close out my shift and wait for 11pm.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


It has been the kind of emotionally fraught day that makes one want to hide under the covers and perhaps not emerge for days. Unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of doing this since I had to be at work tonight. Instead of hiding under the covers, I drug myself out the bed and did laundry and dishes and then read a few pages in my book before taking a shower and picking up Beth.

Work tonight has been okay. It was busy for most of the evening which was a good thing because it kept me from being bored and staring at the walls.

I didn't really get a chance to eat because my supper was making me feel ill. It's the same thing we ate last night so I don't know why it should have had that effect on me today but it did. I am probably going to go home and make some popcorn. It's not really nutritionally sound but it's better than nothing.

I am really tired tonight and not really feeling like writing much of anything. 12 more minutes until I can depart this place and go home. I am really looking forward to that tonight. I want to crawl in the bed and just stay there for awhile. (No school for the kids tomorrow so I can probably manage to sleep in a little bit. Yay!)

Ok. I'm gone from here with my nonsense. Maybe one day I will actually figure out a theme for this place and it will make more sense.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I had my appt today...

...and it went well. My a1c was 6.0 He was pleased. Typing this from my phone is a pain in the behind. Getting ready to go to bed. It has been a long day.

Monday, November 8, 2010

It's Monday

Not only is it Monday but I think it's been the longest Monday in the history of the world. I feel like I have been at work for 99.9 hours but I've really only been here for 5 hours and 29 minutes. I have 2 hours and 31 minutes to go and frankly, I'm not sure I'm going to make it through this night with my makeup intact. I'm pretty sure I have already smeared the hell out of it. I have cried not once, not twice but three times so far tonight and it's getting a little annoying. This makes like the 8th time I've cried today and honestly, I have no idea why!

I have a doctor's appointment in the morning for a diabetes checkup so perhaps I should discuss my fluctuating moods with him. In addition to the hot flashes and the night sweats and disappearing cycle and oh my goodness. I'm only 34 years old. I'm pretty sure that's too young for menopause and I've already ruled out being pregnant as a reason for any and all of this. Unless the tests (um... 3 of them) were wrong. I'm pretty sure that since it's been 8 years since I had my youngest and had the whole snip thing done that it was never that but I tested anyways just for my own sanity. Which I find is rapidly dwindling with the ever increasing list of symptoms that seem to have started out of nowhere.

Just writing that paragraph exhausted me.

I saw my sister today. She stopped by while I was getting ready for work to show me her new car. She got into an accident about a month ago and finally, everything with the insurance company is settled so she went and got a new car today and she's tickled about it. It's a really nice car too. She texted me just a few minutes ago to tell me that I needed to eat a hamburger because I was too skinny! (Skinny is not an adjective that I would attribute to myself and I'm almost positive the doctor won't attribute it to me tomorrow either but it made me smile when I read it.)

I'm off tomorrow and next Monday. I don't like having my days split up like that but this may be a good thing. Given my current state of mind, two days in a row could very possibly find me hiding in bed and not leaving my room. What in the world is wrong with me? I've got tears (yet again) and it's getting ridiculous.

I'm going to go stare across the room for awhile since there is nothing happening in here and it's too early to start wrapping up my shift. I don't know what happened to Mr. Ed tonight. He was here earlier but I haven't seen him since he first got here and usually he's hanging out over here on nights that Mary works next door. I'm guessing it's Mary working although I can't really be sure without calling and I don't want to do that because I have nothing to say to her. -sigh-

Could I be any more random?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I am bit on edge right now

After two days off, I was ready to come back to work this afternoon. My children tried to drive insane over the past few days. I finally couldn't take much more last night because I had a headache to beat the band so I called Chris and said, "Please bring supper." And he did. Shortly after consuming said supper, I went to bed and went to sleep. So I was in bed by 9pm and I recall waking up three times but never for more than five minutes. I've been having night sweats here lately and it's starting to really bug me. I should probably mention it to my primary when I go for my appointment on Tuesday. They took me off a couple of meds and the crazy symptoms started after that so it's definitely worth checking into.

I did dishes and laundry and a lot of miscellaneous things this morning and then discovered it was only 11:30 so I took a nap. When I woke up: It was 12:30. -sigh- So I got ready for work and left at 2 even though I would be really early and as I was driving, Chris called me and told me the clutch had gone out on his truck so I turned around and went to pick him up. He drove me back to work and we still got me here half an hour early. Time: It doesn't seem to be moving very fast today.

I've been at work for 4 hours now (since I got here early) and seriously: Where is everybody? It has been so slow in here tonight. I have spent some time surfing the internet and emailing and reading blogs. I had to eat my dessert before my supper because Chris is bringing me supper but he hasn't made it here yet and my sugar dropped into the low 60s. My body still thinks that is an hour later. Much earlier though, it was a lovely looking 89 so I am pleased.

I have no idea what I am going to do for the next four hours until it is time to go home. Tonight, i have to wait for Chris to come pick me up. He will probably be early because he usually is whenever he has a time to be somewhere. 

I'm going to go smile at people. I am getting better at doing that.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

i have the worst headache

I spent my day doing laundry and getting it folded and put away.

I watched a mini-marathon of LA Ink.

I have listened to my children fuss and argue and fight.

I currently have the headache of all headaches. I really want to go to bed and go to sleep but I have to do something about supper before that can take place.

I am seriously hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

Friday, November 5, 2010

there is something about a day off...

...that makes me ever so lazy. I managed to get most of the laundry done but I also indulged in a really long nap because I just felt so run-down. I really don't like that feeling at all but it was present today so I let my body tell me when I needed to just stop and go to sleep.

The kids got report cards today and they were pretty good for the most part. I am not happy with a couple of the grades but I changed my mind about fussing over them and simply told them they had done a good job and there was a bit of room for improvement. 

We went to supper tonight. That was fun and something we hadn't done in awhile. The food was good and we did a little bit of shopping afterward. I was ready to come back home though. I am discovering about myself that on my days off, I much prefer to stay here than to have to gallivant all over the countryside.

I am about to put myself in the bed.  Maybe a decent night's sleep will make me want to actually get things accomplished tomorrow. Goodness knows there is enough that needs accomplishing.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It is a dreary Thursday

It rained all day long. Gray and damp and just generally ugh! I'm a sunshine kind of girl so this did nothing for my mood and now, at 9:20 pm, I find myself feeling all blah and icky. I really could crawl into bed and just sleep for a little while but with another hour and forty minutes before I can leave work, this is not going to work out for me. (And now having walked away from the computer to do a few other things, I have 53 minutes left! Yay!)

I got involved in a conversation with Mr. Ed that spanned hair spray for men to how he met his wife (over 40 years ago... I can not fathom the concept yet of that much time.) It was an interesting conversation which passed some time and kept me from clock watching.

Overall, it has been a really interesting night. Just busy enough to keep me from going crazy but not so busy to make me go crazy. (Make sense? Not to me either.)

I am off tomorrow and Saturday which is desperately needed. I feel like someone ran me over with a train. Or beat me with a bat. Or something.

I am going to get serious about writing over the next couple of days. There is so much to say... now I just have to find a way to say it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wednesday's Words....

Sometimes there are few words to get a point across. Tonight is one of those nights.

I woke up at 3 this morning and I have been running pretty much full tilt ever since. I did laundry and some other household chores and got ready for work. Put gas in the truck. Picked up the wee one and came to work where I have spent most of the evening alternating between being frustrated and being ready to go. By my count, there is only 50 minutes left until 11pm but that never means anything because he rarely, if ever, shows up on time. I am hoping he will surprise tonight and be oh... five minutes early. That would be lovely.

I noticed that a vast majority of the campaign signs were removed today when I was moving about the city. For the sheer number of signs that had put out, I find this to be an impressive feat.

I got into a very heated argument with a dear friend today and I think this may be the straw that broke the camel's back. It ended with me in tears and then being incredibly pissed off at the sheer audacity of what happened. I'm a fan of open communication. I do not appreciate being attacked and that's the gist of what happened today. I asked the simple of question of "what is wrong?" and I initially got "nothing" followed by an attack on me that was both very hurtful and completely unproductive. I made it clear that I did not appreciate said attack and then I hung up the phone. Amazingly, I didn't cry until just a few minutes ago when I got an email that had a song in it and it made me over think. -sigh-

I am looking forward to Friday. Or more specifically, tomorrow evening at about 11:15 because I will be off work until Sunday at 3pm. Yay. I am so looking forward to having two days off and in a row.

This is all for now. I'm going to close my shift and try not to watch the clock until it is time to leave.

what I have been doing

What I have done this week besides stress: Started working seriously on the video game. Had a long, in-depth conversation with Erik. Cleaned my house. Scheduled all of my various appts. Bit the bullet & lined up surgery though it terrifies me. Worked. Slept with the exception of last night. Cried because people lack the ability to be compassionate human beings. Voted. Read a book. Did some writing that I promptly deleted. Practiced some patience. Tried to be understanding. I am being left in limbo. I am not appreciating being left in the dark. My day today consists of tying up some loose ends & engaging in the deletion of things that serve me no good purpose. And a nap. I have a feeling I will need one.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I'm at work

I went to vote today and after getting lost, I finally found my polling place. For some asinine reason, my polling place is in Eastover even though I live in Stedman and there are two polling places for Eastover which boggles my mind because Eastover is seriously small. Fun fact: Eastover is the only town to be incorporated in North Carolina since the early 1950s. So back to voting: I found the correct polling place, cast my ballot and then went home to take a nap. In my defense, I had gotten up really early and ran some other errands before I went to vote.

And then I came to work. This is where I am a lot of the time. At least 5 days a week from 3 to 11. It seems like a lot more than that but really it isn't. Have I ever mentioned that I like my job? I really do. Most of the time. There are times the people annoy the life out of me but that's really becoming more rare. I wonder if it's because I'm getting used to it? I like the people I work with and the people I work for. I'm sure that sentence is grammatically incorrect but I'm too tired to care right now. I've been working here for one year and 23 days. (October 10th, 2009 was my first day.)  There's a long drawn out story as to why I got a job but I'll save that for another day, another time.

It is fairly quiet here tonight so I've been updating the blog list that I created last night and tinkering with the backgrounds and stuff. I am wishing I had never let my own domain name go and thinking about how I may buy another if I can think of another decent name.

They are starting to show campaign returns on tv. I think I may go watch for a little bit. 

Monday, November 1, 2010

Does it count....

....after being away for a year and a month and like twenty something days I pop in to my blog to say "wow, I have missed writing here and there has been so much going on that I should have been writing because it would have seriously alleviated some of the stress I was feeling... but I didn't." So here I am. Good, bad, indifferent.

Perhaps over the next few months, I will tell some of those stories that have been building in my extended absence but then again, maybe I won't. Some of them are intensely painful and obviously very personal and some of them aren't really mine to share so time will tell whether I take that particular plunge and procure permission to tell those stories.

I'm not particularly happy with my blog design at the precise moment (what is it with me an the letter 'p' tonight?) but geez... I guess when you stay away for as long as I did and then spent almost a year posting from your cell phone.... well... things they will change. Ironically enough, I have not been away from the internet... I just haven't had any words. I'm hoping that they are back for good now.

And because I love a challenge: As if it isn't enough to come back to the blog and attempt to start over, I have also signed up for NaBloPoMo and I am thinking that if I have a day where I just want to give up, I'll use their daily writing prompts.

I am really looking forward to being back. Really.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


I am a bit... drunk. I think I drank a bottle of wine by myself. It was good & I am sad so today, it will be ok with me that I indulged & got myself tipsy enough to lessen the remembering. It may not be the greatest way to start the new year but that will be ok. Happy Samhain. I hope that everyone had a beautiful day. Brightest Blessings for a wonderful, productive, drama free year. I am away to light some candles. ~Blessed be~

Monday, October 25, 2010

I don't know where to begin

I remember having a conversation with Gabby, many years ago, about how things seemed to be moving faster than I could handle and how I didn't know where to begin in an effort to process all of the information that was being shoved in my direction and how I felt overwhelmed and out of sorts and not capable and *insert more spewage here ad nauseum* and she looked directly at me and said in her no-nonsense Gabby-esque way "Sometimes you got to know when to stop trying." I've never been good at following her advice but every so often, when I get overwhelmed and out of sorts, I can hear her voice in my head and I realize the woman knew of what she spoke. I'm at that point now on a whole variety of levels and about a whole variety of things.

[In bullet points because I'm lazy and don't want to think too much.]

  • People change and grow apart. I have always known this but lately, I'm feeling it firsthand on a whole new level. Change isn't a bad thing but as someone who detests it, I have trouble adapting when things are suddenly different. And I know that's really a misrepresentation. Things are never "suddenly" different; it's a gradual process that happens over time. I just somehow seem to miss the happening until it smacks me in the face. I'm faced with that now in the circle. I knew that things were changing and people were growing apart, for good reason, but I didn't acknowledge it because I guess I thought if I didn't recognize it then it wouldn't take place.
  • I have lost me and found me and lost and found me again. And then lost me. I won't even attempt to explain that really strange sentence except to say that I have realized all of the things I enjoy doing that made me... well, me and that gave me some down time away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has seemingly gone by the wayside. Writing, drawing, painting, cooking.... I don't make time for me and what I want anymore.
  • I don't want to wake up one day many years from now and regret my life. I just don't want to do that. I don't want to turn into some bitter old lady who only has her cats for company and never has a kind word to say to anyone. I don't want to be impatient and angry and hateful all the time. Life is too short for regrets. One of the many things Russell says to me over and over again is "There are two things you can't spend twice. Time and money." And he's so right.
  • Things are quiet on the Nick front. No police on the doorstep, no irate parents, no wayward teenage girls showing up at the house at strange times of the day and night. He's been hanging out with Beth and Dylan and actually doing his homework and he's been helping around the house and we've been having the "i'm going to sign up for drivers ed if that's ok with you" talk. {For the record, it's ok with me and I've been encouraging him to get the packet so we can fill it out and he can get a spot because they are limited and his 16th birthday is in January and holy hell, he's going to be 16! I can't fathom how that sweet little boy with the blond curls is going to be 16 years old. Please excuse me for a moment while I go cry in the corner.} Ok, I'm better now. So yeah, he's been more helpful and pleasant and frankly, I'm just in wait mode because every time I think we may have turned a corner on his behavior, I find myself eating my thoughts when he attempts to be Mr.Badass and decides that perhaps my neck is an acceptable to put his hands and squeeze. {Having written that, I'm now wondering just how good a job I am doing at this whole parenting thing.}
  • It is extraordinarily slow behind the front desk tonight. I had dinner. I had my meds. I had a headache but it went away and I'm not even sure how that managed to happen but I'm glad it did.
I'm going to go make some tea and read something for awhile.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I can't find the bluetooth. I had it earlier when I was talking to Russell and now I can't find it and it's starting to irritate me.

As is this fact: Someone ate my kitkat bar. I *thought* I had hidden it pretty well but I soon discovered that I need new hiding places.

I had a nap. I had lunch. I had a conversation with my sister.

I did laundry and some dishes.

I've torn my room apart looking for the bluetooth. I'm giving it up at the moment as a lost cause. I'll use the other one until I find it.

I've filled out the papers for Beth. As long as one of us remembers to put it in her bag before tomorrow morning, we'll be ok.

I've got a couple of phone calls to make and then it's time to get ready for work.

I'm looking forward to the holidays this year. Particularly the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

I'm hoping and praying for a positive new beginning.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Monday, October 18, 2010

I find myself

I am incredibly bored at the moment. There's literally nothing to do and I'm by myself and I seriously contemplated standing on my head in the corner until I factored in the sheer awkwardness that might create should someone unexpectedly come through the door. So instead, I'm randomly typing in the little box and hoping that some of it might make a bit of sense.

I am angry at the moment. About a variety of things. Some of which I can do something about and some of which I can't. There is no one to talk to about this anger either because

I am scared. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I am slightly frightened by what will happen there. I am making an effort to not forecast but I would be lying if I didn't admit to the fear factor. It's ever present.

I am resigned. To always having my patience tested and retested and falling short of some preconceived measure that I'm not even aware.  Resigned to the short end. Resigned to not being communicated with adequately at points that it's critical. It's ironic that I have tried so hard to be more patient about certain things and not be angry and accusatory yet I still get the attitude as if I did all of those things. It's actually a lot sad.

I am worried about my sister. Enough said.

 Despite not understanding why there was a breakdown in communication today, I didn't flip out or email a gazillion nasty messages or call 9002 times. I attempted patience. I think I did an okay job with it. I am disappointed that I sent pictures that he didn't even bother to look at during the course of the day. A petty disappointment but it's there nonetheless. I get aggravated when I get blamed for him not getting anything done but then you have multiple days like today go by and I realize that it's not my fault. I literally had a 2 minute conversation with him this morning and then didn't hear anything else until almost 8pm. Yesterday, just over an hour of him in a 24 hour period. I miss him like crazy too when these days happen but I can't tell him that because then I get the unpleasantness of misunderstanding. I don't know why it's so damn difficult for him to recognize that I miss him and I hate the situation we are in but some days he just doesn't seem to grasp it.

I am tired. My head is starting to hurt. I think it's the lights. Goodness they are bright. I switched the tv off awhile ago because it was starting to bother me and the phone buzzing was making me want to stab my eye out with a rusty fork. I wonder why my headaches always seem to situate themselves right behind my left eye? I think I may ask the doctor if I can remember.

Tomorrow is 3 years. 

Thursday I get paid.

I am gone from here. I think I am going to make some tea and gaze outside and wish I wasn't so damn emotional. It's not good to cry at work so I'm not going to do that.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

there's not enough time in a day

I could write an entire server full if I had the time.

Perhaps, it's fortunate that I don't have that kind of time.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for work right now but instead, I'm sitting in front of the computer listening to the printer (Nick's project stuff) and wishing I had not snapped at him this morning. :-(

It's cold this morning. I have coffee and an aching sadness.

Forget this. Writing used to be therapeutic. I don't know when it stopped being that. Probably around the same time I stopped doing all the things I really liked to do.

Sometimes, I wish I could find "me."

So... writing used to be therapeutic. It's not anymore.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Homework Hell

It is 10:10 & we are attempting to finish homework. This is not pretty. Beth is pissed off that I am making her finish it & I am irritated that she didnt do it when she came home from school today. This headache has kicked into overdrive, the pain meds are making me throw up & earlier unpleasantness with Russell has me in tears & feeling down. Today has not been a good day. I am hoping that tomorrow is better. I cant take another day like any of the past few days.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Another quote

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


"That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've been involved with won't like the new you."

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I don't quite know what to do

I have lost my  safe place and I don't know how to regain it. This is very disturbing to me. I've always been able to lose myself in writing or drawing or painting or reading a good book... but not anymore. I seem to have the attention span of a gnat these days. I can't shut my brain off long enough to enjoy any of the things I've always enjoyed doing; things I've typically found comforting. 

I have a list of things that need to be accomplished. I can't get motivated to tackle the list. I need to sort though the boxes in the attic and decide if I'm keeping any of the stuff that resides in those boxes but I can't find the time and when I do have the time, I can't find the energy. I need to start packing. I need to stop stressing so much and learn to let things go. I don't know how and being fussed at for being the way I have always been is not helping the situation any.

I'm taking baby steps. Right now, it's as good as I can manage.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

things she says

I asked Elizabeth to go find Nick. She walks outside, calls his name. No response. So she tells me "Cover your ears Mama. I'm about to get loud." She screams his name & then says: "Oh no! I think I just sprained my throat." I am still laughing.

Friday, September 17, 2010


"The true voyage of self-discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." ~Marcel Proust

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sunday, August 29, 2010


Dear world (especially Charlotte), I intend to have a good day today. I am minding MY business, cleaning my house, listening to music. I intend to eat lunch & take a nap before I have to go to a job I am starting to intensely dislike. The problems I own today will be mine. I am not interested in a bunch of crap nor am I soliciting opinions as it pertains to things that fall into the category of "not your business." I will not be answering the phone for you again today. I heard enough earlier.


I have got to keep myself extremely busy today to avoid "overthinking." I think I will start with my bathroom & work my way through the house. I was wondering what today's reason would end up being & now I know. I am alternating between amusement & disbelief that anyone could think me so gullible (stupid?). Irony abounds. And my sketchbook is calling my name. Maybe I should skip the chores & draw the picture. More soul satisfying that way.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

this is how it usually works

I spend more time thinking about writing than I spend actually writing. I think this may be the definition of procrastination. Much like I do with a lot of things. I'm tired of not having any time to me to do the things I really want to do. Sounds a little selfish doesn't it?

It's the same thing with writing and painting and well, anything that I once deemed to be important to my mental well-being. Maybe that's partly why I'm having such a tough go of things these days. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to take care of myself. How sad, but how true.

Nick is registered for school. They both still need to go shopping for school clothes and Beth is bugging me batty about her open house (I have to work) and ohmygoodnessjustgivemeachancetobreathe!!!!! But I take a few deep breaths and realize it's all a matter of perspective. I don't have to let it affect me the way it does. Easier said than done sometimes.

We won't even get into the other things that are affecting me so majorly. Let's just leave it at this: I am really down and it doesn't seem to be getting any better or easier no matter how much I try to just let things go. I feel like I'm on a tightrope that is frayed above a canyon filled with water and piranhas. Really. It's like that.

I'm off the next two days and having canceled my doctor's appointment, I'm now at a loss for what to do with my time. Maybe, I should go watch movies and relax and let the world spin without getting upset about anything. A trip to the grocery store is probably a really good idea since I'm tired of attempting to be creative with the stuff I have in the house. I will bet that my children would appreciate this. I think that's what I will do.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i have learned

I have learned alot in the past few months, the past few weeks, even in the past few days. Some good, some bad, some indifferent. I have done quite a few things I had been putting off. I have cleaned my house from top to bottom. Organized my space. Got things in place to help me manage my life & my time better. I have inventoried my life & decided what to keep & what to let go. I have done this out of necessity AND because I wanted to do it. I have learned that I am a strong woman who has the capacity to handle things. I may not handle them the best way or the way someone else would but I do handle them. I am blessed with love & life. It is time to really start living like it.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

a random assortment

I have been reading random blogs the last few nights that it has been slow at work and have found several new ones to add to the list of blogs that I "read as regularly as I work." Yes, I'm guilty of primarily reading the blogs I like while I work. It passes the time when it gets slow. 

I don't write much anymore. Anywhere. Not here. Not at the other one. Not in the book I keep beside my bed. Not anywhere. -sigh-  I spend too much time trying to put out fires and keep my head above water. I admire the dedication of those who manage to write every day or in some cases, every other day. I can't manage to write a real entry (as was so sweetly pointed out to me by Anastasia) once a week month, let alone make sensible entries every day. That takes some dedication which sadly is missing for me at the moment.

I did finish painting a picture. It's the first one in months and I don't like it but I did finish it. I really should spend more time doing what I enjoy doing and like doing and less time being worried about crap that I can't control. It would definitely be beneficial to me.

I saw a quote the other day that said: "When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, only THEN can change occur." As I am sick & tired of being sick & tired, I have an idea change may be just around the corner for me. I know I'm the only one who can affect those changes but they are huge and truthfully, it scares me a little lot.

I am tired of feeling blah. I'm tired of having excuses made to me about things and being lied to about things and having things kept from me. I'm tired of being ignored when I bring things up and having the conversations shut down because it's uncomfortable for the other party and I'm tired of sweeping things under the rug. I am human. I have a right to express to my emotions. You don't have to agree with them or like them but out of sheer decency, perhaps you should acknowledge them and set about to change the things you do that causes me to have those emotions you don't like.

I'm going to run along now and find something constructive to do that doesn't involve examining my feelings.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

nightmares and random thoughts and wft?

Another night where I woke, a scream scrambled in my throat, unsure of where I was until I flipped the switch on the lamp that resides beside the bed. Drenched in sweat, I take several deep breaths attempting to tell myself that dreams are harmless; a product of an overactive subconscious mind. If only I really believed this.

I walk slowly to the bathroom, tossing a soaked nightgown on the bed. The shower is hot and steamy and my body slowly loosens up as the water cascades down my back. I want to close my eyes but the dread of reliving the horror that woke me is too much to bear so I leave them open and focus on the wall instead. I stay in until the water turns cool and then cold and only then do I climb out and get a towel.

This is becoming a nightly ritual. Wake up biting back a scream, take a shower and then change the sheets even though I know I won't be going back to bed. I put everything in the washer and turn it on. I know I should wait until daylight so as to not disturb Elizabeth but she's the child who could sleep through a 100 piece marching band practicing beside her sleeping head so I add the laundry soap and make my way to the kitchen to make coffee because I know the day is going to be long and I'm going to need it.

Some days, I can go back to sleep on the sofa in the living room where it seems that I rarely dream but most days, this one no exception, I turn on the television and let the low sound fill the room so it's not so silent and I find myself drinking coffee and watching whatever happens to be on.Waiting for the world to wake up.

I think I am going to go work on the painting I started last night. Right now, it's nothing. Some color on a canvas. If it turns into something recognizable, then great. If not, oh well. The sheer act of painting is therapeutic in and of itself.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

let them fall

I quit. Just absolutely give up on trying to be anything I'm not; anyone other than myself. I quit attempting to paste a smile on my face when I don't feel well, when I'm having a incredibly crappy week. I quit faking cheerfulness. I quit biting my tongue when what I really want to do is give someone a piece of my mind. I quit holding it back and in. 

I am done listening to other people tell me how wrong I am for feeling anything I feel. You aren't me. You have no idea what it's like to be me. I don't want calm rationality or exaggerated patience. I want an ear for 3.2 minutes. A non judgmental listener.

I have good days. I have bad days. I have days where I want to find the nearest cliff and hurl myself from it. But guess what? In the 37 years I have been here, I have yet to hurl myself from a cliff and I don't intend to start anytime soon. I like life too much to remove myself from it prematurely.

The last time I checked I was a highly intelligent woman. Highly intelligent woman. I am capable of making decisions and I am capable of speaking to other people about the decisions I am contemplating if I choose to do so. I don't need to have my hand held all the time; sometimes, I simply want it held. If I ask for advice, I have the right to not follow it. If I want to spend my last dime on a one way train ticket to Washington DC and never return, then I have the right to do that too. If I want to spend it on 49 million packages of bubble gum.... well, that's my prerogative. 

I am done hearing how I am wasting my time, my life. It's my time and I don't think it's being wasted. I'm sorry if you think that it is and it's your right to think whatever you want just as it's my right to ignore the hell out of you when you start blathering on about how I'm being stupid and wasting my time and blah blah blah. 

I am done expending energy worrying about what you or you or you or the man in the moon may think.  Just completely and totally done.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

"Life without LOVE is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." -Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, June 24, 2010


If I could adequately articulate everything I am thinking & feeling, I would be so much better off. But I can't.

Monday, June 21, 2010


It has been a long day that got off with a stumbling start. I found my groove & rocked it. Proud of me I am.

what she said


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Excruciating doesnt even adequately convey the pain I am feeling.

Monday, June 7, 2010


The unceasing urge to pray to the porcelain god is sometimes worse than actually doing it.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

it's a conundrum

It's been moderately busy in here this evening. There is a special forces reunion across the street this week and we are already full every night but tonight. I have hopes that we'll do really well tonight because I have already sold a lot of rooms and it's early yet. Busy is good because it leaves less time for me to worry/obsess/stress myself.

  • Mondays always suck for me and I get to start a new treatment on Monday thereby ensuring that this Monday will pretty much suck as well. Aren't I just a bundle of sunbeams? I'm trying to remain positive and upbeat about it all but damn, if it's not difficult. 
  • School gets out on Thursday. This, without a doubt, is something I am looking forward to happening because it means the end of running back and forth between two schools and work and the angst-filled teenage spawn will be allowed to return to regular school when school resumes in August which means less stress for everyone who is involved with making sure he has a ride to and from school.
  • There are still some plans to finalize for Chicago which I need to do ASAP (like yesterday.)
  • There's the situation with someone I hold very dear that I will not discuss on this blog but which has me all tied up in knots and wondering what to do and what comes next.

I have a new book I am starting to read. I have a day off tomorrow (because of the whole doctor deal) and I intend to actually sit down and watch a movie (probably Angels & Demons) and I also intend to see if the program about aliens that Russell was telling me about is on History onDemand. I am hoping it is because I really want to see it.

At this present moment, I am listening to the timer tick because I have cookies in the oven in the kitchen area for the guests that I am going to put out at 7pm, the television in the breakfast room is on a news channel and they are talking about the oil spill, and there is no one standing in front of the desk or anywhere near the lobby.

I do believe I'm getting random. There was so much I wanted to write about tonight but I find myself short of words. I guess I will try again in a little while.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Peccant by Elizabeth Alexander

I have recently re-discovered poetry and for some reason, I'm really getting into it. 

Maryland State Correctional Facility for Women,
Baltimore County Branch, has undergone a face-lift.
Cells are white and ungraffitied, roomlike, surprisingly airy.
This is where I must spend the next year, eating slop from tin trays,
facing women much tougher than I am, finding out if I am brave.
Though I do not know what I took, I know I took something.

On Exercise Day, walk the streets of the city you grew up in,
in my case, D.C., from pillar to post, Adams-Morgan to Anacostia,
Shaw to Southwest, Logan to Chevy Chase Circles,
recalling every misbegotten everything, lamenting, repenting.

How my parents keen and weep, scheme to spring me,
intercept me at corners with bus tokens, pass keys, files baked in cakes.
Komunyakaa the poet says, don’t write what you know,
write what you are willing to discover, so I will
spend this year, these long days, meditating on what I am accused of
in the white rooms, city streets, communal showers, mess hall,
where all around me sin and not sin is scraped off tin trays
into oversized sinks, all that excess, scraped off and rinsed away.

Don't ask me to explain what appeals to me. It just speaks. That's good enough for me.

i don't know what to do


threatens to consume me.

One molecule at a time.


there's nothing left of me


an empty shell.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

a few thoughts

It is incredibly slow this evening. So slow that I have cleaned up the entire back office and vacuumed behind the desk. I have run out of things to do in the cleaning department unless I want to go in the laundry room and throw all that stuff in the dryers but then the girls will be pissed tomorrow because they won't have anything to do and won't have any hours since it's going to be slow and there won't be very many rooms to clean. Do you think I could have made that sentence longer?

I had supper. It was good. I can safely say it was better tonight than it was last night. That's probably because I was so tired last night when I sat down to eat after cooking that I really didn't care if I ate or not. I did, however, enjoy cooking it. 

I am attempting (my second time) to finish Angels & Demons. The first time I tried to read it, I got bogged down by things that had nothing to do with the book and couldn't actually get into it. So I'm trying again and I must say that so far, I have really enjoyed. This time I'm almost halfway through it. That's a much better beginning than last time when I couldn't make it past page 20.

There are only eight more actual school days left for the kids. They get out June 10th and tomorrow is a school holiday so 8 school days left. Nick is trying to convince me to let him not go on the last day because they are supposed to go to school from 11 to 3.  It may depend on my schedule as to whether I make him go or not.

And now I must stop typing and actually work. Perhaps I should pretend since there's no one in front of me to actually cause me to have any work to do.

Friday, May 28, 2010

a crisis of faith

For the past few years I have had what I term an "on again, off again" relationship with religion. There are times when I embrace my faith with what some might consider abandon and other times when I push it into a corner and attempt to pretend it's not there. A lot of this has to do with questions I have plus events that have taken place, not just in my life but, throughout the world in general.

Over the past several (read this as four) months, I have had several epiphanies about life, love and religion. The questions I had in my mind received answers and while they weren't answers that would satisfy a theologian or even anyone else probably; the answers were well suited for me and I understand some things better than I did. I can work with this.

Last night, I was simply amazed at the way I felt during the rit. I have attended several over the past couple of  years that didn't do much of anything for me or my peace of mind but last night's was simply beautiful. I appreciate that I was receptive to it to be able to gather this modicum of peace. I feel like everything fell into place despite some ill willed spirits who seemed determined to do everything in their power to prevent me from attaining that peace.

I am beyond grateful to Sebastian and Anastasia for their help in matters of my heart that were and still are very important to me. I could not have done this as easily without the two of them. I'm not saying I couldn't have done it at all; it would have just been a bit more frustrating if I had to do it all alone. And to Russell for believing in me and my mojo. I know it's always been there but thanks to him and Erik, I'm actually seeking it out to utilize rather than letting it languish.

I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, saying that my crisis of faith is finished. I think that most people, regardless of their religion, go through these things. In this, I do not think I am unique. I am saying, however, that I think I'm more capable of dealing with it than I was six months ago. I received a very precious gift from the goddesses last night, something I can hold in reserve and call upon the next time I'm questioning my very existence. That, to me, is priceless.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

looking forward

I was given some advice last night by a woman, a guest at the hotel. Unsolicited advice but it resounded within my head and has stuck with me since she said it. Sometimes, the higher powers speak to you through channels that you were least expecting. I'm grateful I took the opportunity to actually listen and absorb.

I did some writing in the wee hours of this morning in my book. The words, previously not forthcoming, poured onto the page and then one page ran into another and then another and the next thing you know, I had writer's cramp. I am starting to remember why I like computers so much except that there is something a lot more personal about handwritten letters/pages etc that I really miss and enjoy doing. It's worth my hand hurting to feel the satisfaction of accomplishing getting the words out. I keep wondering what other people would think if they read what I wrote and I finally decided I'm wasting my time thinking about this particular aspect of things. The "what other people might think" has held me back from a lot of things and it's time to stop worrying about that and get on with the process of living my life. I'm worth that.

I ended up sleeping most of the day before I had to come to work. I think a lot has to do with the restlessness of last night and the dreams that wouldn't let me get a good night's sleep. Add to that, a tinge of anxiety about the rest of the week, some emotional issues and some serious depression and you have me needing a nap. But and this is huge, I feel better right now. This tends to change on an hourly basis depending on the weather (the sun is currently shining) and the position of the International Space Station in the sky (I'm kidding, really.) Right now though, I feel okay. Even if I did get yelled at by some jackass.

Monday, May 24, 2010

one day I'll figure this riddle out

What is it about Mondays that so easily does me in?

I was ok when I got up this morning. Five hours of rain and two doctor appointments later, I was at my wit's end. Add to this, it is slow here at work and I have nothing constructive to do at the moment and I am really ready to lose my mind.

One day, Mondays will not suck for me. I will be so glad when that day comes.

Friday, May 21, 2010

a couple of amusing things

Elizabeth (on Wednesday after I picked her up from school and we were on our way to my sister's): Mama, who was Martin Luther King Jr and why did they name a road after him? Is he the man who got rid of civil rights?

Me: He worked hard for people to gain civil rights, not get rid of them, Elizabeth. 

Her: I knew it had something to do with civil rights. But why did they name a road after him?

So I tried to explain they named the road after him as a way to honor him and she said (in her infinite 7 year old wisdom) "It seems to me if they wanted to REALLY honor him, people could start acting right. I think that would be more of an honor than a stupid road." I was afraid to ask her what she meant by acting right because I would probably gotten an hour long conversation about the injustices in the world. My Elizabeth is one smart little girl. I love her dearly.

I answered the phone tonight at work and there's a guy on the other end speaking very low and trying his best to sound sexy and he keeps asking me what I'm doing and I'm all like "working... who is this?" When he goes "oh my God. You are not Tracy. I am so embarrassed." Um... yeah. I think when I realized I had a wrong number, I might would have just hung up. But I found it amusing.

And the man who checked in with his two sons and wanted to know what floor the pool was on. I looked at him and said "it's outside." at which point he goes: "but what floor?"  *head smack*

I have the entire weekend off. In addition to the Wednesday I had off this week. Oh my goddess, I got 3 days off this week. Like I've been asking/begging/pleading for... I don't have plans. I may get some work done for Erik or I may make the effort to do some cleaning or I may try to sleep. I wish I was getting a phone call that said "please come get me" because I would go in a heartbeat.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...