Sunday, May 30, 2010

a few thoughts

It is incredibly slow this evening. So slow that I have cleaned up the entire back office and vacuumed behind the desk. I have run out of things to do in the cleaning department unless I want to go in the laundry room and throw all that stuff in the dryers but then the girls will be pissed tomorrow because they won't have anything to do and won't have any hours since it's going to be slow and there won't be very many rooms to clean. Do you think I could have made that sentence longer?

I had supper. It was good. I can safely say it was better tonight than it was last night. That's probably because I was so tired last night when I sat down to eat after cooking that I really didn't care if I ate or not. I did, however, enjoy cooking it. 

I am attempting (my second time) to finish Angels & Demons. The first time I tried to read it, I got bogged down by things that had nothing to do with the book and couldn't actually get into it. So I'm trying again and I must say that so far, I have really enjoyed. This time I'm almost halfway through it. That's a much better beginning than last time when I couldn't make it past page 20.

There are only eight more actual school days left for the kids. They get out June 10th and tomorrow is a school holiday so 8 school days left. Nick is trying to convince me to let him not go on the last day because they are supposed to go to school from 11 to 3.  It may depend on my schedule as to whether I make him go or not.

And now I must stop typing and actually work. Perhaps I should pretend since there's no one in front of me to actually cause me to have any work to do.

Friday, May 28, 2010

a crisis of faith

For the past few years I have had what I term an "on again, off again" relationship with religion. There are times when I embrace my faith with what some might consider abandon and other times when I push it into a corner and attempt to pretend it's not there. A lot of this has to do with questions I have plus events that have taken place, not just in my life but, throughout the world in general.

Over the past several (read this as four) months, I have had several epiphanies about life, love and religion. The questions I had in my mind received answers and while they weren't answers that would satisfy a theologian or even anyone else probably; the answers were well suited for me and I understand some things better than I did. I can work with this.

Last night, I was simply amazed at the way I felt during the rit. I have attended several over the past couple of  years that didn't do much of anything for me or my peace of mind but last night's was simply beautiful. I appreciate that I was receptive to it to be able to gather this modicum of peace. I feel like everything fell into place despite some ill willed spirits who seemed determined to do everything in their power to prevent me from attaining that peace.

I am beyond grateful to Sebastian and Anastasia for their help in matters of my heart that were and still are very important to me. I could not have done this as easily without the two of them. I'm not saying I couldn't have done it at all; it would have just been a bit more frustrating if I had to do it all alone. And to Russell for believing in me and my mojo. I know it's always been there but thanks to him and Erik, I'm actually seeking it out to utilize rather than letting it languish.

I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, saying that my crisis of faith is finished. I think that most people, regardless of their religion, go through these things. In this, I do not think I am unique. I am saying, however, that I think I'm more capable of dealing with it than I was six months ago. I received a very precious gift from the goddesses last night, something I can hold in reserve and call upon the next time I'm questioning my very existence. That, to me, is priceless.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

looking forward

I was given some advice last night by a woman, a guest at the hotel. Unsolicited advice but it resounded within my head and has stuck with me since she said it. Sometimes, the higher powers speak to you through channels that you were least expecting. I'm grateful I took the opportunity to actually listen and absorb.

I did some writing in the wee hours of this morning in my book. The words, previously not forthcoming, poured onto the page and then one page ran into another and then another and the next thing you know, I had writer's cramp. I am starting to remember why I like computers so much except that there is something a lot more personal about handwritten letters/pages etc that I really miss and enjoy doing. It's worth my hand hurting to feel the satisfaction of accomplishing getting the words out. I keep wondering what other people would think if they read what I wrote and I finally decided I'm wasting my time thinking about this particular aspect of things. The "what other people might think" has held me back from a lot of things and it's time to stop worrying about that and get on with the process of living my life. I'm worth that.

I ended up sleeping most of the day before I had to come to work. I think a lot has to do with the restlessness of last night and the dreams that wouldn't let me get a good night's sleep. Add to that, a tinge of anxiety about the rest of the week, some emotional issues and some serious depression and you have me needing a nap. But and this is huge, I feel better right now. This tends to change on an hourly basis depending on the weather (the sun is currently shining) and the position of the International Space Station in the sky (I'm kidding, really.) Right now though, I feel okay. Even if I did get yelled at by some jackass.

Monday, May 24, 2010

one day I'll figure this riddle out

What is it about Mondays that so easily does me in?

I was ok when I got up this morning. Five hours of rain and two doctor appointments later, I was at my wit's end. Add to this, it is slow here at work and I have nothing constructive to do at the moment and I am really ready to lose my mind.

One day, Mondays will not suck for me. I will be so glad when that day comes.

Friday, May 21, 2010

a couple of amusing things

Elizabeth (on Wednesday after I picked her up from school and we were on our way to my sister's): Mama, who was Martin Luther King Jr and why did they name a road after him? Is he the man who got rid of civil rights?

Me: He worked hard for people to gain civil rights, not get rid of them, Elizabeth. 

Her: I knew it had something to do with civil rights. But why did they name a road after him?

So I tried to explain they named the road after him as a way to honor him and she said (in her infinite 7 year old wisdom) "It seems to me if they wanted to REALLY honor him, people could start acting right. I think that would be more of an honor than a stupid road." I was afraid to ask her what she meant by acting right because I would probably gotten an hour long conversation about the injustices in the world. My Elizabeth is one smart little girl. I love her dearly.

I answered the phone tonight at work and there's a guy on the other end speaking very low and trying his best to sound sexy and he keeps asking me what I'm doing and I'm all like "working... who is this?" When he goes "oh my God. You are not Tracy. I am so embarrassed." Um... yeah. I think when I realized I had a wrong number, I might would have just hung up. But I found it amusing.

And the man who checked in with his two sons and wanted to know what floor the pool was on. I looked at him and said "it's outside." at which point he goes: "but what floor?"  *head smack*

I have the entire weekend off. In addition to the Wednesday I had off this week. Oh my goddess, I got 3 days off this week. Like I've been asking/begging/pleading for... I don't have plans. I may get some work done for Erik or I may make the effort to do some cleaning or I may try to sleep. I wish I was getting a phone call that said "please come get me" because I would go in a heartbeat.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...