Sunday, August 29, 2010

...........

Dear world (especially Charlotte), I intend to have a good day today. I am minding MY business, cleaning my house, listening to music. I intend to eat lunch & take a nap before I have to go to a job I am starting to intensely dislike. The problems I own today will be mine. I am not interested in a bunch of crap nor am I soliciting opinions as it pertains to things that fall into the category of "not your business." I will not be answering the phone for you again today. I heard enough earlier.

Random-ness

I have got to keep myself extremely busy today to avoid "overthinking." I think I will start with my bathroom & work my way through the house. I was wondering what today's reason would end up being & now I know. I am alternating between amusement & disbelief that anyone could think me so gullible (stupid?). Irony abounds. And my sketchbook is calling my name. Maybe I should skip the chores & draw the picture. More soul satisfying that way.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

this is how it usually works

I spend more time thinking about writing than I spend actually writing. I think this may be the definition of procrastination. Much like I do with a lot of things. I'm tired of not having any time to me to do the things I really want to do. Sounds a little selfish doesn't it?


It's the same thing with writing and painting and well, anything that I once deemed to be important to my mental well-being. Maybe that's partly why I'm having such a tough go of things these days. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to take care of myself. How sad, but how true.

Nick is registered for school. They both still need to go shopping for school clothes and Beth is bugging me batty about her open house (I have to work) and ohmygoodnessjustgivemeachancetobreathe!!!!! But I take a few deep breaths and realize it's all a matter of perspective. I don't have to let it affect me the way it does. Easier said than done sometimes.

We won't even get into the other things that are affecting me so majorly. Let's just leave it at this: I am really down and it doesn't seem to be getting any better or easier no matter how much I try to just let things go. I feel like I'm on a tightrope that is frayed above a canyon filled with water and piranhas. Really. It's like that.

I'm off the next two days and having canceled my doctor's appointment, I'm now at a loss for what to do with my time. Maybe, I should go watch movies and relax and let the world spin without getting upset about anything. A trip to the grocery store is probably a really good idea since I'm tired of attempting to be creative with the stuff I have in the house. I will bet that my children would appreciate this. I think that's what I will do.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i have learned

I have learned alot in the past few months, the past few weeks, even in the past few days. Some good, some bad, some indifferent. I have done quite a few things I had been putting off. I have cleaned my house from top to bottom. Organized my space. Got things in place to help me manage my life & my time better. I have inventoried my life & decided what to keep & what to let go. I have done this out of necessity AND because I wanted to do it. I have learned that I am a strong woman who has the capacity to handle things. I may not handle them the best way or the way someone else would but I do handle them. I am blessed with love & life. It is time to really start living like it.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

a random assortment

I have been reading random blogs the last few nights that it has been slow at work and have found several new ones to add to the list of blogs that I "read as regularly as I work." Yes, I'm guilty of primarily reading the blogs I like while I work. It passes the time when it gets slow. 

I don't write much anymore. Anywhere. Not here. Not at the other one. Not in the book I keep beside my bed. Not anywhere. -sigh-  I spend too much time trying to put out fires and keep my head above water. I admire the dedication of those who manage to write every day or in some cases, every other day. I can't manage to write a real entry (as was so sweetly pointed out to me by Anastasia) once a week month, let alone make sensible entries every day. That takes some dedication which sadly is missing for me at the moment.

I did finish painting a picture. It's the first one in months and I don't like it but I did finish it. I really should spend more time doing what I enjoy doing and like doing and less time being worried about crap that I can't control. It would definitely be beneficial to me.

I saw a quote the other day that said: "When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, only THEN can change occur." As I am sick & tired of being sick & tired, I have an idea change may be just around the corner for me. I know I'm the only one who can affect those changes but they are huge and truthfully, it scares me a little lot.

I am tired of feeling blah. I'm tired of having excuses made to me about things and being lied to about things and having things kept from me. I'm tired of being ignored when I bring things up and having the conversations shut down because it's uncomfortable for the other party and I'm tired of sweeping things under the rug. I am human. I have a right to express to my emotions. You don't have to agree with them or like them but out of sheer decency, perhaps you should acknowledge them and set about to change the things you do that causes me to have those emotions you don't like.

I'm going to run along now and find something constructive to do that doesn't involve examining my feelings.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

nightmares and random thoughts and wft?

Another night where I woke, a scream scrambled in my throat, unsure of where I was until I flipped the switch on the lamp that resides beside the bed. Drenched in sweat, I take several deep breaths attempting to tell myself that dreams are harmless; a product of an overactive subconscious mind. If only I really believed this.

I walk slowly to the bathroom, tossing a soaked nightgown on the bed. The shower is hot and steamy and my body slowly loosens up as the water cascades down my back. I want to close my eyes but the dread of reliving the horror that woke me is too much to bear so I leave them open and focus on the wall instead. I stay in until the water turns cool and then cold and only then do I climb out and get a towel.

This is becoming a nightly ritual. Wake up biting back a scream, take a shower and then change the sheets even though I know I won't be going back to bed. I put everything in the washer and turn it on. I know I should wait until daylight so as to not disturb Elizabeth but she's the child who could sleep through a 100 piece marching band practicing beside her sleeping head so I add the laundry soap and make my way to the kitchen to make coffee because I know the day is going to be long and I'm going to need it.

Some days, I can go back to sleep on the sofa in the living room where it seems that I rarely dream but most days, this one no exception, I turn on the television and let the low sound fill the room so it's not so silent and I find myself drinking coffee and watching whatever happens to be on.Waiting for the world to wake up.

I think I am going to go work on the painting I started last night. Right now, it's nothing. Some color on a canvas. If it turns into something recognizable, then great. If not, oh well. The sheer act of painting is therapeutic in and of itself.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...