Sunday, October 31, 2010

....

I am a bit... drunk. I think I drank a bottle of wine by myself. It was good & I am sad so today, it will be ok with me that I indulged & got myself tipsy enough to lessen the remembering. It may not be the greatest way to start the new year but that will be ok. Happy Samhain. I hope that everyone had a beautiful day. Brightest Blessings for a wonderful, productive, drama free year. I am away to light some candles. ~Blessed be~

Monday, October 25, 2010

I don't know where to begin

I remember having a conversation with Gabby, many years ago, about how things seemed to be moving faster than I could handle and how I didn't know where to begin in an effort to process all of the information that was being shoved in my direction and how I felt overwhelmed and out of sorts and not capable and *insert more spewage here ad nauseum* and she looked directly at me and said in her no-nonsense Gabby-esque way "Sometimes you got to know when to stop trying." I've never been good at following her advice but every so often, when I get overwhelmed and out of sorts, I can hear her voice in my head and I realize the woman knew of what she spoke. I'm at that point now on a whole variety of levels and about a whole variety of things.

[In bullet points because I'm lazy and don't want to think too much.]

  • People change and grow apart. I have always known this but lately, I'm feeling it firsthand on a whole new level. Change isn't a bad thing but as someone who detests it, I have trouble adapting when things are suddenly different. And I know that's really a misrepresentation. Things are never "suddenly" different; it's a gradual process that happens over time. I just somehow seem to miss the happening until it smacks me in the face. I'm faced with that now in the circle. I knew that things were changing and people were growing apart, for good reason, but I didn't acknowledge it because I guess I thought if I didn't recognize it then it wouldn't take place.
  • I have lost me and found me and lost and found me again. And then lost me. I won't even attempt to explain that really strange sentence except to say that I have realized all of the things I enjoy doing that made me... well, me and that gave me some down time away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has seemingly gone by the wayside. Writing, drawing, painting, cooking.... I don't make time for me and what I want anymore.
  • I don't want to wake up one day many years from now and regret my life. I just don't want to do that. I don't want to turn into some bitter old lady who only has her cats for company and never has a kind word to say to anyone. I don't want to be impatient and angry and hateful all the time. Life is too short for regrets. One of the many things Russell says to me over and over again is "There are two things you can't spend twice. Time and money." And he's so right.
  • Things are quiet on the Nick front. No police on the doorstep, no irate parents, no wayward teenage girls showing up at the house at strange times of the day and night. He's been hanging out with Beth and Dylan and actually doing his homework and he's been helping around the house and we've been having the "i'm going to sign up for drivers ed if that's ok with you" talk. {For the record, it's ok with me and I've been encouraging him to get the packet so we can fill it out and he can get a spot because they are limited and his 16th birthday is in January and holy hell, he's going to be 16! I can't fathom how that sweet little boy with the blond curls is going to be 16 years old. Please excuse me for a moment while I go cry in the corner.} Ok, I'm better now. So yeah, he's been more helpful and pleasant and frankly, I'm just in wait mode because every time I think we may have turned a corner on his behavior, I find myself eating my thoughts when he attempts to be Mr.Badass and decides that perhaps my neck is an acceptable to put his hands and squeeze. {Having written that, I'm now wondering just how good a job I am doing at this whole parenting thing.}
  • It is extraordinarily slow behind the front desk tonight. I had dinner. I had my meds. I had a headache but it went away and I'm not even sure how that managed to happen but I'm glad it did.
I'm going to go make some tea and read something for awhile.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

....................

I can't find the bluetooth. I had it earlier when I was talking to Russell and now I can't find it and it's starting to irritate me.

As is this fact: Someone ate my kitkat bar. I *thought* I had hidden it pretty well but I soon discovered that I need new hiding places.

I had a nap. I had lunch. I had a conversation with my sister.

I did laundry and some dishes.

I've torn my room apart looking for the bluetooth. I'm giving it up at the moment as a lost cause. I'll use the other one until I find it.

I've filled out the papers for Beth. As long as one of us remembers to put it in her bag before tomorrow morning, we'll be ok.

I've got a couple of phone calls to make and then it's time to get ready for work.

I'm looking forward to the holidays this year. Particularly the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

I'm hoping and praying for a positive new beginning.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Monday, October 18, 2010

I find myself

I am incredibly bored at the moment. There's literally nothing to do and I'm by myself and I seriously contemplated standing on my head in the corner until I factored in the sheer awkwardness that might create should someone unexpectedly come through the door. So instead, I'm randomly typing in the little box and hoping that some of it might make a bit of sense.

I am angry at the moment. About a variety of things. Some of which I can do something about and some of which I can't. There is no one to talk to about this anger either because

I am scared. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I am slightly frightened by what will happen there. I am making an effort to not forecast but I would be lying if I didn't admit to the fear factor. It's ever present.

I am resigned. To always having my patience tested and retested and falling short of some preconceived measure that I'm not even aware.  Resigned to the short end. Resigned to not being communicated with adequately at points that it's critical. It's ironic that I have tried so hard to be more patient about certain things and not be angry and accusatory yet I still get the attitude as if I did all of those things. It's actually a lot sad.

I am worried about my sister. Enough said.

 Despite not understanding why there was a breakdown in communication today, I didn't flip out or email a gazillion nasty messages or call 9002 times. I attempted patience. I think I did an okay job with it. I am disappointed that I sent pictures that he didn't even bother to look at during the course of the day. A petty disappointment but it's there nonetheless. I get aggravated when I get blamed for him not getting anything done but then you have multiple days like today go by and I realize that it's not my fault. I literally had a 2 minute conversation with him this morning and then didn't hear anything else until almost 8pm. Yesterday, just over an hour of him in a 24 hour period. I miss him like crazy too when these days happen but I can't tell him that because then I get the unpleasantness of misunderstanding. I don't know why it's so damn difficult for him to recognize that I miss him and I hate the situation we are in but some days he just doesn't seem to grasp it.

I am tired. My head is starting to hurt. I think it's the lights. Goodness they are bright. I switched the tv off awhile ago because it was starting to bother me and the phone buzzing was making me want to stab my eye out with a rusty fork. I wonder why my headaches always seem to situate themselves right behind my left eye? I think I may ask the doctor if I can remember.

Tomorrow is 3 years. 

Thursday I get paid.

I am gone from here. I think I am going to make some tea and gaze outside and wish I wasn't so damn emotional. It's not good to cry at work so I'm not going to do that.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

there's not enough time in a day

I could write an entire server full if I had the time.

Perhaps, it's fortunate that I don't have that kind of time.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for work right now but instead, I'm sitting in front of the computer listening to the printer (Nick's project stuff) and wishing I had not snapped at him this morning. :-(

It's cold this morning. I have coffee and an aching sadness.

Forget this. Writing used to be therapeutic. I don't know when it stopped being that. Probably around the same time I stopped doing all the things I really liked to do.

Sometimes, I wish I could find "me."

So... writing used to be therapeutic. It's not anymore.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Homework Hell

It is 10:10 & we are attempting to finish homework. This is not pretty. Beth is pissed off that I am making her finish it & I am irritated that she didnt do it when she came home from school today. This headache has kicked into overdrive, the pain meds are making me throw up & earlier unpleasantness with Russell has me in tears & feeling down. Today has not been a good day. I am hoping that tomorrow is better. I cant take another day like any of the past few days.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Another quote

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...