Monday, October 25, 2010

I don't know where to begin

I remember having a conversation with Gabby, many years ago, about how things seemed to be moving faster than I could handle and how I didn't know where to begin in an effort to process all of the information that was being shoved in my direction and how I felt overwhelmed and out of sorts and not capable and *insert more spewage here ad nauseum* and she looked directly at me and said in her no-nonsense Gabby-esque way "Sometimes you got to know when to stop trying." I've never been good at following her advice but every so often, when I get overwhelmed and out of sorts, I can hear her voice in my head and I realize the woman knew of what she spoke. I'm at that point now on a whole variety of levels and about a whole variety of things.

[In bullet points because I'm lazy and don't want to think too much.]

  • People change and grow apart. I have always known this but lately, I'm feeling it firsthand on a whole new level. Change isn't a bad thing but as someone who detests it, I have trouble adapting when things are suddenly different. And I know that's really a misrepresentation. Things are never "suddenly" different; it's a gradual process that happens over time. I just somehow seem to miss the happening until it smacks me in the face. I'm faced with that now in the circle. I knew that things were changing and people were growing apart, for good reason, but I didn't acknowledge it because I guess I thought if I didn't recognize it then it wouldn't take place.
  • I have lost me and found me and lost and found me again. And then lost me. I won't even attempt to explain that really strange sentence except to say that I have realized all of the things I enjoy doing that made me... well, me and that gave me some down time away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has seemingly gone by the wayside. Writing, drawing, painting, cooking.... I don't make time for me and what I want anymore.
  • I don't want to wake up one day many years from now and regret my life. I just don't want to do that. I don't want to turn into some bitter old lady who only has her cats for company and never has a kind word to say to anyone. I don't want to be impatient and angry and hateful all the time. Life is too short for regrets. One of the many things Russell says to me over and over again is "There are two things you can't spend twice. Time and money." And he's so right.
  • Things are quiet on the Nick front. No police on the doorstep, no irate parents, no wayward teenage girls showing up at the house at strange times of the day and night. He's been hanging out with Beth and Dylan and actually doing his homework and he's been helping around the house and we've been having the "i'm going to sign up for drivers ed if that's ok with you" talk. {For the record, it's ok with me and I've been encouraging him to get the packet so we can fill it out and he can get a spot because they are limited and his 16th birthday is in January and holy hell, he's going to be 16! I can't fathom how that sweet little boy with the blond curls is going to be 16 years old. Please excuse me for a moment while I go cry in the corner.} Ok, I'm better now. So yeah, he's been more helpful and pleasant and frankly, I'm just in wait mode because every time I think we may have turned a corner on his behavior, I find myself eating my thoughts when he attempts to be Mr.Badass and decides that perhaps my neck is an acceptable to put his hands and squeeze. {Having written that, I'm now wondering just how good a job I am doing at this whole parenting thing.}
  • It is extraordinarily slow behind the front desk tonight. I had dinner. I had my meds. I had a headache but it went away and I'm not even sure how that managed to happen but I'm glad it did.
I'm going to go make some tea and read something for awhile.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...