Monday, October 18, 2010

I find myself

I am incredibly bored at the moment. There's literally nothing to do and I'm by myself and I seriously contemplated standing on my head in the corner until I factored in the sheer awkwardness that might create should someone unexpectedly come through the door. So instead, I'm randomly typing in the little box and hoping that some of it might make a bit of sense.

I am angry at the moment. About a variety of things. Some of which I can do something about and some of which I can't. There is no one to talk to about this anger either because

I am scared. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I am slightly frightened by what will happen there. I am making an effort to not forecast but I would be lying if I didn't admit to the fear factor. It's ever present.

I am resigned. To always having my patience tested and retested and falling short of some preconceived measure that I'm not even aware.  Resigned to the short end. Resigned to not being communicated with adequately at points that it's critical. It's ironic that I have tried so hard to be more patient about certain things and not be angry and accusatory yet I still get the attitude as if I did all of those things. It's actually a lot sad.

I am worried about my sister. Enough said.

 Despite not understanding why there was a breakdown in communication today, I didn't flip out or email a gazillion nasty messages or call 9002 times. I attempted patience. I think I did an okay job with it. I am disappointed that I sent pictures that he didn't even bother to look at during the course of the day. A petty disappointment but it's there nonetheless. I get aggravated when I get blamed for him not getting anything done but then you have multiple days like today go by and I realize that it's not my fault. I literally had a 2 minute conversation with him this morning and then didn't hear anything else until almost 8pm. Yesterday, just over an hour of him in a 24 hour period. I miss him like crazy too when these days happen but I can't tell him that because then I get the unpleasantness of misunderstanding. I don't know why it's so damn difficult for him to recognize that I miss him and I hate the situation we are in but some days he just doesn't seem to grasp it.

I am tired. My head is starting to hurt. I think it's the lights. Goodness they are bright. I switched the tv off awhile ago because it was starting to bother me and the phone buzzing was making me want to stab my eye out with a rusty fork. I wonder why my headaches always seem to situate themselves right behind my left eye? I think I may ask the doctor if I can remember.

Tomorrow is 3 years. 

Thursday I get paid.

I am gone from here. I think I am going to make some tea and gaze outside and wish I wasn't so damn emotional. It's not good to cry at work so I'm not going to do that.


GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

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