Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sometimes, it's just not worth it

Lately, it seems as if there's more to do than there is time to do it. Part of it is probably the schedule I am keeping with work. 6 day work weeks are not conducive to having either a social life or the ability to run errands. Add to this doctor appointments for me, eye exams and dental appointments for the kids and you have a jam packed schedule that keeps in the truck for multiple hours a day and then behind the front desk at work for 8 and I have to throw eating, sleeping and showering in there somewhere. That leaves little time for writing, reading, drawing, crafting, anything that might be remotely considered therapeutic or relaxing.

I am am frequently finding myself taking really deep breaths in an effort to not panic. I'm not usually prone to anxiety but with the uncertainty of everything that is going on  in my life, lately I find it's almost a constant companion.

I feel like the world is rushing by and I'm so busy.busy.busy that I can't find the time to enjoy a single minute of it. I'm not sleeping well (hello! 3 hours a night!) and not eating properly and while I remember to take my meds, I'm frequently forgetting to take them on time.... to the point that I have actually set alarms to help jar my memory. I'm all for whatever works and so far, this is working out okay.

My nerves are very unsteady and while the endocrinologist keeps assuring me that as the meds take effect, this will get better and I will scarcely notice it; at the moment, I am hyper aware of the situation and frankly, it frightens me. As does the mental confusion and the not being able to make the words I want come out of my mouth or onto the screen while I'm typing. (Thank goodness for delete keys.) At work the other night when I couldn't remember the total of a set of numbers with tax, I went into the back room after the guest departed the desk and I cried because I've always been able to remember numbers and now they are gone. Add to this I have very little faith in my current endocrinologist (and the only reason I continue to go is because this office is the only endocrinology in the area... otherwise it's a 2 hour drive for an appointment & I can't do that right now) and you have the perfect storm of "Holy hell... I'm so freaking lost.)

I'm afraid and there is nobody with whom to share the fear because Chris has his head stuck in the sand about the whole thing... not because he doesn't care but because I think he's a tiny bit afraid himself and if he doesn't acknowledge it then maybe it won't be so bad... I'm guessing here because really it's to the point now that I see him for approximately 30 minutes a day. A few minutes in the morning while he's getting ready for work and the few minutes in the evening after I get home from work before he goes to bed. Have I mentioned how he waits up for me so we can have those few minutes and how happy that makes me? He does and it does and I tell him so frequently. That's something that he needs to know. I love getting home and he comes out to help me with my stuff and hugs me tight and I feel safe and happy.

I'm rambling away at the moment and in unusual fashion will make zero apologies for it. I think this is exactly what I needed to do at this moment.

GIST - The Sunday Edition # 175

It's been awhile since I have done one of these although my offline gratitude practice remains on point. In no particular order, here ar...