My day started out quietly enough.
I wasn't feeling well so I slept in for awhile. I had errands to run before work and Chris, who has been sick since Wednesday, stayed home from work and was sleeping. I heard a snippet on the radio about a school shooting in CT but didn't pay a whole lot of attention because they really didn't say much of anything except that police were on the scene and they would update when there was something more to tell.
I was driving down the road on my way to the bank when they interrupted their programming to announce that the death toll was at least 18 and that a majority of those were children. I felt a chill go down my spine. And it brought back to mind last year when my son's high school was on lockdown because someone had been shooting on campus and had shot a girl in the neck. Caitlyn has made a remarkable recovery and while the two incidents pale in comparison to one another, the feelings of helplessness and horror while waiting for him to be released were all brought back to the surface.
All afternoon I listened to the news. Until I just couldn't listen anymore and I had to change the channel. I have spent the evening at work with the television in the breakfast room on ABC family watching Christmas movies. I finally had to stop reading twitter and checking facebook. I needed a moment to breath.
And then I felt guilty. Because there are families tonight who can not simply turn off the news or not check social media, who have to deal with a reality that is now their new reality thanks to the sheer horror that was perpetuated on their community by someone who was a member of their community. It is senseless. It is stupid. It is incomprehensible.
I will not ever understand what drives people to do what they do. There is no amount of investigating that can be done that will make me understand that sort of evil.
My heart hurts for all the families affected. And then my heart shattered when, in checking twitter, I was informed that a woman I consider a friend lost her nephew in this tragic event. A bright 6 year old boy named Noah. I can't even....
I got home tonight and I hugged my children. Neither of them have mentioned being aware of what happened today. I'm sure Nick knows because he is as active on social media sites as I am so I can't see how he doesn't know yet. I don't know how to talk to them about it really. How do you explain pure evil? I am hoping in the next few days the words will come.
As I get ready to log off for the evening, I am thinking I will not be around very much this weekend. I have to work each day which may be a blessing in disguise because when I am at home alone I tend to think too much. And I need to do a few things that I have been putting off. And I need to cry. Mostly I need to process everything that has happened and the chatter and rhetoric floating around isn't going to help me do that.
In the meantime, the families of Newtown are in my heart and in my thoughts. It's such a small thing but for the moment, it is all I have.