Sometimes the grief hits like a tidal wave, forcing me to cling to bits of memories like a life preserver. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of you in some way. Big or small.
I watch the news and see Ben Carson's face on the screen and think of how much you would have to say on the particular subject of him. I imagine that you would be railing against him now with his sudden exposure and telling everyone who would lend an ear what a fraud you thought he was. Because that is what you thought towards the end of your life. Where you once sang his praises, you had morphed into a deep disdain for the man he had become. I never did fully question why you had that change of heart but knowing you and your deep convictions was enough for me to know that you had a reason and probably a very good one.
I wish I could hear you talk about the current events of today. You were never shy with your opinions even when we disagreed and you were one of the few people I could have a civil conversation with even when we weren't on the same page which was actually very rare.
I wish you could be here to see your newest grandchild. You would have been over the moon at having another one. Your grandchildren were a bright spot in your life and I dislike knowing they will grow up and not have their "papa" there to escort them to school and keep them from getting in trouble for minor transgressions. Your love for your children and your grandchildren was always evident whenever you spoke of them. That was never a doubt.
There are days that I would like to have one more conversation and ask you all the questions that have occurred to me after the fact but then I realize you had your reasons for the lies you told, the truths that you hid and it's not my place to carry that burden.
I hope that your soul is at peace.
I loved you then. I love you still now. Even with the knowing of all the things that I was clueless about when you were here on earth, I love you. That will never fade though I think, with time, the grief will not be as sharp and won't come out of nowhere. Instead of a tidal wave, it'll be like a slowly rolling wave that will allow me to catch my breath and keep my feet solidly underneath me.
This is Just Write, a free-writing exercise in which you sit down with no writing agenda, no pushing for a theme. Watch the details of your stories ignite their own meaning from within.